Dear Avril,

Sorry

DR666

I think Sonny received this message by mistake.

Dear Kurt Cobain,

What is it like in hell?

Yours Synth.

Dear Madonna,

I would really like to know what happened on that flight to Heathrow the other day. I hear that you refused the luxury blanket and asked for a 'normal' one.

Are you Madge?

Yours,
sarramkrop

Dear Konnie Huq,

Please ignore this fool, he can't even spell your name right. You know that I am the one for you. Are we still on for that threesome with Kate Humble?

Yours with incredible stamina,
Sonicl

Dear sonicl,

Get off my patch or I'll steal your colostomy bag and use it as a sail for your hollowed-out body which will, in fact, become a kayak.

Yours,

Glice.

Dear Glice,

You may be intellectually superior to me and have a large appendage, but I live nearer to Konnie and am an excellent cook, and THAT is what she looks for in a man. You stand no chance with her, and are better off concentrating your efforts on those lasses from Casualty who are always hanging around your manor. Now get lost.

Kind regards,
sonicl

Dear that bird from casualty with the broad south-Bristolian accent,

Hi, wanna make some lovin'?

Cheers,

Glice.

Dear Mr.Cave,

what about............





shaving?

Thanks and best regards
att

Dear sarramkrop,
You as an internet artist, you should change your name back to porkmarras. No one will expect that.
P.S. I think you are a sexy lad.

Sincerely,
Ambiguous.

Dear Russell Crowe (Gladiator era.)

Please come round to my gaff with all yr Gladiator clobber and yr big sword and.............. RIDE ME SIDEWAYS!!

PS, now would be a good time as my Dad is gone out.

Dear Celebrity X,

Why are you such a self important type now?

Do you really think you are fooling everyone?

Most who have good taste in music despise you now! Are you so high up in the clouds that you can't see this?

Come down before it's too late (and I'm afraid that it already is).

While I have your attention, it IS about the music; the show comes second (if at all). Get out of the biz and join a circus if feel so strongly otherwise.

You fake fuck.

Frankly,


The Artist Formerly Known As Spacerock

Dear Sonic Youfs,

Please make sure that Nef gets her prescribed hugs from Lee and Steve at your soonest available convenience.

She's shy, but she's nice and certainly deserves it.

PS: make sure Thurston stays back a few yards, he makes her nervous.

All My Love,

floatingnotveryfastatall

She never got back to me on this. She just taunts me from behind the screen.

Dear Lady GaGa,

Please fuck off!

Yours sincerely,

Liam

Dear ladies of Girls' Generation,

Mind if I inseminate the lot of you? I'm afraid that if you are left up to the prurient interests of male K-pop stars, the whole country might collapse under its own effeminate pedomorphism.

Warm regards,

pbradley

Dear Kelly Macdonald aka Margret Schroeder please ignore the advances of that squid face, small cock, can't keep it up Nuckie Thompson aka Stevie Bucemi and save yourself for me...

your love servant

chicka

Dear Jamie Cullum,

If you're not busy next Tuesday, I'd like to nip round your 'gaff' for 10 minutes of neck-jumping. I will be wearing large boots. If this is inconvenient, please detail another time when I can break your child-like body of hate and insufferance.

Yours,

Glice.

dear the kardashians,

fuck off and die you complete fucking cunts.

thanks

Dear Jared Leto,

Please quit making "music" and go back to being a C-list actor. You made one decent album but you keep getting further and further away from that sound and the music world is worse off for it.

Thank you in advance.

-GeneticKiss

my hatred for these type of 'celebrities' goes beyond just a letter, i wrote a whole damn song that we re-recorded recently!

BRITNEY HILTON (C)
BY: Kegmama

Party like a rockstar
Drinkin’ at the trendy bars
Hollywood’s harlots
Did you get your star yet?

Boulevard of broken dreams
Ignore the childrens screams
Wearin’ no underwear
Oh the disease you share

Silicone, Starbucks, Nightclubs, Tummytucks! (chorus x 2)

Reality you do not know
To you its just a type of show
Rehab is the place you go
For the legal drug flow

Lights flashing you’re all smiles
Lookin’ good for the pedophiles
Top name designer clothes
Bend over strike a pose

Silicone, Starbucks, Nightclubs, Tummytucks! (chorus x 2)

Don’t eat no fucking meat
Bulimia is so last week
Buying things you do not need
Wanting things out of greed

Prescription pills by fake docs
Bling is what you call your rocks
Rollin’ in your Hum-V
Hollywierds the place to be

Silicone, Starbucks, Nightclubs, Tummytucks! (chorus x 2)
--

Not bad Kegmamma I love "Bulimia is so last week"

Dear Jonny Borrell (out of razorlight)

I often walk down the street, and i see alcoholics staggering around outside Asda, gripping both a trolley and their own lapels simultaneously. They trip over the trolley, and their fingers slip from the greasy, unwashed fabric that makes up their jackets.

I often wonder to myself, "What do the manufacturers of cheap spirits think when they drive past these people?"
Jonny, i think you have the key to this pressing question that is at the forefront of our minds in these chillingly austere times. For the purposes of science and medicine, will you, mr Borrell, the next time you hear one of your songs on the radio, tell us how you feel?
Because i suspect you feel the same as the manufacturer of the cheap chemical piss that is slowly dissolving the brains of millions of people; when they drive past the shuddering alcoholics, and when you hear "America" played for the hundredth time on the radio, both of you think to yourselves in the same sadistic tone

"I did that..."

Please consent to having your genitalia rigged up to a cirrhosis powered battery.

an instrumental version of this song would sound much much better.

Dearest Courtney,

Get Eric back and yr band might be ok again.

kthanks,

-s.

Dear Greg Giraldo,

Peace.