That must sucked, I am getting better now.

i was during my middle school years. it was incredibly.. weird.

nearly killed me. i was quite unhinged.

Man schizo, I never lost someone like that. All I kept thinking is my mom will get hurt and my dad as well. They are very important to me. I could never hurt them.

he had a daughter too, and he'll never know how much she loves him. before nan passed she called megan's (his daughter) mom and talk to megan, and she could sit for an hour to nan talking about her daddy. my aunt and uncle (even though my uncle wasn't his father) have never been the same.

i became a type-a freak to hide everything when i was in my slump. but luckily i had a really good support system with my friends.

ah, shit, sorry...

I was alone, I am still alone with my family. I can't tell them how I feel, cause I get ridiculed. Only my Friend I can tell. And the guy I am sleeping with.

it's ok

victor- you shouldn't be ridiculed.

i've only told really two or three people (not counting on here) about my own world of issues, or at least more than a bit of it.

I shouldn't but my family is not that understanding of emotional problems, except my mom and dad. but I can't talk to them cause, I can't tell them I'm a queer, or any of my family.

hey, here's a nasty little story so you dont feel so alone.

im at home living w/ my parents im feeling totaly unhinged & talk to my dad & say dude can you hm pay for a psychiatrist cos i think im losing it. he's like "why you dont need that".

so another day there is the news of some mental hospital and there are some crazies on the screen and he sez "look, schizophrenics, like you, ha ha ha"

i could have kicked his ass on the spot.

anyway, the thing with many parents, they don't wanna "know" that anything is wrong with their kids, because that reflects poorly upon them and fills them with shame. so they go along with the denial.

lucky for me i got good health insurance years later. wooohoo! therapy rules.

I wonder if my insurance would cover that. It is a part-time insurance not as great as the full-timers.

yeah, i see what you mean. that's what makes me miss nan. my mom and i are really close but she just.. gah. i don't know how to explain the way she doesn't understand. the rest of my family i've never been too close to because they're all out in california/england or (my previously mentioned aunt and uncle) just kind of isolated.

!@#$%!- that's grounds for ass kicking.

But I will be fine. So will you schizo.

some shrinks are decent and will work out a deal, like scalable rates.

now not all shrinks are good, some are not good at all, some fuck you up worse, you gotta shop around, it's like shoes, you know? they are comfortable or they give you nasty blisters, it's definitely not "one size fits all" and if you don't like them /trust them/ trust their judgment/ you simply move on.

when i shopped around for mine i made sure the dude was a) male b) old c) spoke my language. this because i had issues w/ my dad & anglosaxons don't "get" me very well, lots of misunderstandings. so hm anyway yeah. ha ha hah.

the bottom line is i learned to like who i am. as simple as that.

yeah, we'll be fine.

I do feel though that I am getting better, and don't need to look for a shrink. But I can be wrong though.

oh years later we sorted all that out. we get along fine now. but the old man was clueless. i've had to school him though. he didn't mean any harm-- it was his way to... cover up his pain i guess?

i don't terribly need one but it beats a nutritionist getting on my ass. shrink > food nut.

oh yeah.

I think I am too skinny.

how much do you weigh?

i dont mean to say that he wasn't an asshole at the time-- he was. it's just that now i get where he was coming from. it's complicated-- my perspective is totally changed-- i hold no grudges for past wrongs, i suppose?

118 and am 5'4.

it's exactly thoughts like this that make you depressed.

i've decided to let go of grudges. not worth it.

Yeah, it is. I should stop that.

you're fine.

Well I have to go now. I will finish typing my report and go to sleep. Night Jade and !@#$%!.

i know it's hard to like who you are but really, without diversity there would be no evolution, we would all become extinct at the first fucking virus.

it's like, when you criticize yourself, you take the side of your enemies, and why would you want to do that? don't give the little fuckers the satisfaction. :D

--

goodnight dude. i should be leaving soon too. i have this damn deadline.

i like who i am.

yeah i'm heading off soon. too late to go to sleep.. but whatever. night you guys :)

oh so you are staying up instead of trying to wake up later?

i often do that...

yep.

it's how i usually run during the week. not fun but.. i do what i have to.

so are you insomniac or do you just have more energy at night?

combination of both. i work better at night.

same here. of course, i'm not working :D

i have to drug myself to sleep other wise im up till 5 or 6 writing or just watching infomericals its horrible but at the same time i hate morning people

hah, neither am i.

hey something! i do the same. i get sucked into infomercials or my tivos of the history channel.

but i'm heading off to my room, now. night you guys.

nite. oh this should be an incentive for me to do a little work.

i hope it's the history channel for you!

have fun.

Hello, good morning. I just had the weirdest dream. It was about chewing gums and they were called EVOL.

Morning (well, lunchtime...) Girls special Issue -(dedicated to danny himself)-