The horrible musical collaborations thread
 

How many times have you listened to an heard about a musical collaboration that made you want to eat your own leg? For me, these are legion, but for starters, here's these:

Lou Reed and Sam Moore "Soul Man" - A legend of music gets some grizzly old geezer to grumble his way through an old soul classic, all to aid a "comedy" of such monstrous racistosity. Truly bleeurgh.

Elton John and Pete Doherty "20th Century Boy" (Live) - The Master of music inroduces a 'fresh young talent' onstage, and Mister Doherty staggers and slurs his way through the old T Rex great. He should be thrown in prison just for this.

Paul Weller and Noel Gallagher live on "The White Room" TV show - I forget which tune they played, but Noel's inoffensive strumming was given a good buggering by the sweaty and grunting Weller on keyboards and 'vocals', doing a great impression of Albert Steptoe. Put me right of me dinner.

Various Artists "Perfect Day" - the BBC get together a cornocopia of musical talents to murder the Lou Reed song. Heather Small? Fuck off!

Lily Allen and Mark Ronson "Oh My God" - Yep, it's Ms daughter-of-pseudo-Cockney-geezer covering the Kaiser Chiefs tune with a irritating teenage voice. The backing (c/o Ronson) is even worse, horrible pop-ska with some truly ball-shrinking moments.

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder "Ebony And Ivory" - with some pretty heavy credentials, you'd think that these two could come up with something at least halfway bearable? No. What we have a an MOR slopfest so caked in fake sincerity, that I bet their pleas for vacuous racial harmony through the power of song had many a sane person tempted to join the National Front out of sheer spite/suicidal despair.

Right, that's me lot for now. What about you?

Anything that is by "xxxxx featuring (insert name of "R&B" artist here)" - translates as "I'm desperate - please buy this or my label will drop me".

Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson can just fuck off with that stupid vile shit.

almost all collaborations fucking .. don't do anything for me.

sorry, neurosis and jarboe! sorry, boris and sunn! sorry, lustmord and melvins! you all stink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..

Scissor Shock and Pussycat Dolls: A desperate attempt by one to gain kudos from the other.

Ah, here's another - Wyclef Jean and Brian Harvey "Ole Ole". Ghastly. In fact, can I add Wyclef Jean collaborating with anyone, ever?

And here's another - Madonna and Gogol Bordello - way to destroy any credibility you had, Eugene "son of Lionel" Hutz.

No mention of Bowie and Jagger's "Dancing In The Street" yet?

^^^Yes, one of the cornerstones of any horrible collab discussion - remember the video? Hideous stuff. It would have been more preferable to see Bowie shove his cock into Jagger's mouth - at least it would've stopped Mick's 'singing'.

Sean "Puffy" Combs/Sting Performing "I'll Be Missing You" at the VMAs. Sting should have just sued the guy instead.

In Jacko's case, it should've been "The Boy Is Mine", with the video featuring Uncle Michael giving some 10 year old brat the benefit of his attentions and wandering begloved hands., whilst Macca tickles the ivories in the background giving the occasional thumbs-up signal to camera.

U2 and BB King "When Love Comes To Town" - embarrasing sub-My Old Man's A Dustman tune with Bono and Co emoting with such earnestness, that they zoom right off the camp scale into unknown territories.

haha scissor shock

Jesus & Mary Chain with The Sugarcubes

I like Pigs Of The Roman Empire through i hate that Lustmord (i forgot his real name, and it's not worthing the search) guy..

Gladys Knight/ Elton John/ Dionne Warwick/ Stivie Wonder - That's What Friends Are For

Tina Turner/ Bryan Adams - It's Only Love

The Jesus And Mary Chain/ Hope Sandoval - Sometimes Always

U2/Green Day - The Fucking Saints Are Fucking Coming

Ozzy Osbourne/ Kelly Osbourne - Changes

an exception?:

gene pitney and marc almond do something's gotta hold of my heart.

that's a fucking classic.

oh oh . . . what about the travelling wilburys? do they count?

what a shambles.

Dizzee Rascal and Lily Allen. You just know there was lots of record company strategising going on there.

Some more exceptions:

Nick Cave and Kylie - Where The Wild Roses Grow
Nick Cave and Blixa - The Weeping Song
Nick Cave and Shane - What a Wonderful World

Anything with Nick Cave involved, basically...

.....if you discount his contribution to Current 93's 'All The Pretty Little Horses'.

And thinking about it, there's a terrible version of "All Tomorrows Parties" that he sings on too.

I'll change it to Nick Cave plus guest = good, Nick Cave as guest = bad. Unless he's guesting with Die Haut, in which case it's good again.

Anthrax and Public Enemy "Bring The Noise" - "Flav, tell us what time is it!", "Yo Chuck, I'm sayin' it's time to do a pisspoor version of our killer tune with those wack honky mofos Anthrax.", "That's right, Flav".

I had wished the Bonnie Prince Billy/Tortoise collab would have been better as well as Z Rock Hawaii(Ween/Boredoms). Not that they were bad. Boris- Rainbow with the guitarist from Ghost was great and how about Loose Fur and Jim's contributions to Sonic Youth. I'm also looking foward to the Brian Eno, Herby Hancock, Squarepusher collaboration. So I guess a lot suck. but just as many can be good.

Paul McCartney, Paul Weller and Noel Gallagher "Come Together" - doing this for charidee should in no way excuse the dadrockesque murdering of this Beatles tune. Hearing Paul Weller grunt and exhort his way through this reminds one not so much of Otis Redding, but of Arthur Mullard. And what was Macca doing? I hope Yoko rang the Macster up and gave him a right bollocking for this.

Yeah, but that tune is horrid, anyway.

Innit. :)

Gary Moore and Andrew Eldritch - "After The War" - aimless 80's rawk widdling from the usually quite reliable Mr Moore, all topped off with the baritone garglings of Baron Von Eldritch. Apparently Eldritch wanted the video for this to be "full of warplanes". Silly shortarsed cnut.

Other exceptions:

Jean-Louis Murat & Jennifer Charles - Jim, Bang bang
Jeff Buckley & Liz Fraser - All flowers in time
Björk & Robert Wyatt - Submarine
SY & Brigitte Fontaine - Demie clocharde
Yann Tiersen & Dominique A - Les bras de mer
Beth Orton & Terry Callier - Pass in time
Handsome Boy Modeling School & Chan Marshall - I've been thinking
David Bowie & Massive Attack - Nature boy
Nick Drake & John Cale - Fly, Northern sky
Feist & Jane Birkin - The simple story
David Bowie & Brian Eno - Low and Heroes (especially the instrumental tracks)
U2 & Brian Eno - The unforgettable fire, The Joshua tree, Achtung baby

Other exceptions:

Anything from the 1960s involving two or more of Motown's or Stax's major artistes.

Anything featuring me...

aerosmith & RUN-DMC: walk this way

Brian Eno/ Herby Hancock/ Squarepusher collaboration?!wow, never heard about this..