Good opening lines
 

So I was given this monthly gig writing a 500-word column for a local paper. No pay, which goes against all conventional wisdom in the freelance world, but I figure the regular exposure won't hurt business and I get to write on "anything my heart desires," according to the editor, God bless her.

I could take a day and whip up a dozen columns, bank them, pop them out one by one as the deadlines come around.

Here's the thing. I've never had a personal column. It's a little different from writing feature articles. I need a bunch of personal angles and snappy first lines.

I have one for sure, which I've dropped in conversation from time to time but never used in print. It's the "life lessons" angle, and the first line is: One thing I've learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called life is...

What are some others?

Apparently, if you wait long enough and go through relocation, you get to be the B-Team Andy Rooney.

Spirit desire.

Thanks. I needed the boost in self-esteem.

Motherfucker.

Actually I prefer to think of myself as Penis's answer to Hank Moody.

I HAVEN'T FUCKED MUCH WITH THE PAST BUT I'VE FUCKED PLENTY WITH THE FUTURE.

or

DOG ON THE SIDEWALK, DOG ON THE SIDEWALK, DOG ON THE SIDEWALK... I SAW...

B-Team Rooneydom is pretty good.
I mean, that guy's way at the top.
The Rooneys of the world easily have to number enough to go through the first half of the alphabet.

oh shit opening line like that?

i didn't read first

last year i had a movie review column in this magazine

i dont recall sticking to any formulas, but i'll look back & see if i discover any hidden patterns.

The first one could work. I'd have to find an f-word substitute, I'm sure. "I haven't played around much with the past but I've played around plenty with the future."

Oh, this editor has no idea what's in store for her...

You'll be the next dear Abby.

Just looking for some generally interesting first lines that I could adapt to fit whatever my topic is. "We were somewhere around Orlando on the edge of the swamp when the drugs began to take hold." Etc.

Yes, but Hank Moody's fictional, and this way I don't have to face the sad reality of my reality.

Here are some ideas


Sometimes people just piss me off...


If life is a bowl of fruit, why can't I get anyone to pop my bootie-cherry?


In today's world, it appears that....


Have you ever wondered why...?



My lady's potent-smelling 'gina and how I came to love it...



I wonder how many christians realize jesus had a "cut cock?"

Last one would go over real swell in these parts!

but what do you want to write about?

i frown on this formulaic approach

like this: :mad:

ha, i don't know man. it's always what you want to say, the way i see it.

Yeah, I know. It has to be organic. If not orgasmic.

When you get your column published, you should scan it and put it on here.

Sure, I'd be glad to bore you with even more of my drivel.

You have made me very happy.

"I wasn't born an afficionado of walnuts. But boy, am I making up for that now!"

"Two words - swollen testes"

"Shakespeare said 'all the world's a stage'. Well I say 'screw you, Billy - my life's all about SAGE"

"Sometimes I feel like 6 limbs just aren't enough, as I was saying to Heff..."

"Mime artists really are cunts - no-one's denying that..."

"No man born today, or in any other era, could quite muster the gumption to [something somthing]".

"Some call it the wonder herb, some call it rosemary - all I know is that my chicken skin just ain't shit without it".

"I'd like to talk about mastication - read that again, silly. It's time, as a society, we learnt to think with our teeth".

"Saturday was the sort of day that made me want to drop everything, move to Switzerland and start learning how to yodel"

"I'm frequently told that bees are not a threat to my dogs..."

"Children's shit just isn't like any shit I've ever known"

"Preparing heroin without orange juice is what's known as a pain in the proverbial"

"My Father was a calliope player for most of my childhood"

"People often ask me 'Gumku, what's your favourite material?'. Everytime, with hesitation, I tell them - 'alabaster, my friend'"

"I know, like me, you're probably tired of people saying 'what's the hip new seasoning on the block?'. Well, let me tell you - mint, brother, mint".

I could entirely go on all night. I hope there's a strong cookery slant to your column.

Now THAT is what I'm talking about. Thank you for stepping up to the plate, Mr. Glice, while all about you are but slackers.

alternatively, you could pay glice to ghostwrite your column.

ask pookie.

I will NEVER return to journalism in any form. No offence to anyone writing it, or wanting to but... there lies demons.

indeed.

oh come on. the world would be a worse place without that mark kermode cunt of yours.

The world would be a worst place if there wasn't pushy journalists telling us what we should like!

they have that power over you?

hot damn.

demonic indeed.

The problem is that for every Steven Wells, Kermode the frog, Julie Burchill or, dare I say it, Richard Littlejohn, there's a million useless little pricks who are very good cases for extending the legal time limit on abortions from however many weeks it is currently to about 70 years.

I instantly love everything Pitchfork put in their Best New Music section.

It's so... alternative.

just have a laugh& enjoy this overcaffeinated rant

Oh yeah, I remember that guy.

He hates everything.

well-- no.

I don't recall him ever giving a movie a glowing review.

But then again, I don't really pay attention.

journalists are minor trolls compared to true demonic forces, like marketing and advertising.

littlejohn and kermode are two prime examples of why this law must happen.

let the products sell themselves!
fuck advertising and commercial psychology
psychological methods to sell should be destroyed

ha!

i didn't expect you to write gmku's column like one of those euthanizable cases.

but now he's left to his own devices-- the poor fool!

I'm glad I finally opened this thread. It's far more interesting that what I thought it was going to be about. Y'know - pick up lines...

"Is it just me, or do all grandmothers stink of piss?"

"America - a land of contrasts".

"I believe in the right to arm bears."

"Why do the Japanese get to buy soiled panties in vending machines, whilst I get a restraining order for trying to smell mine in public?"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a very special announcement: Fisting is not mentioned in the Bible. Why?"

"America should be less like the Simpsons and more like the Mansons".

"Is Jesus is so good, how come he's dead?"

Do your own work, hippy!