Alcoholoroscopes
 

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don'tknow when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them proneto closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they getmighty flirty after a coupleof tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is agood way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whateverhappened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can becounted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and doneanything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.



TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aimingfora mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicatedTaurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriatewho spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers,the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shotsand barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say thatthe Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus willget, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremelyamusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.



GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much--they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's justhard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse andallusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced stateof intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic abilityto flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) withseveral people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round-- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks:beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.



CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinneror an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it,Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs mustguard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret partiesand insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in trueHollywood style,Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"(read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swappingstories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favoriteSagittarius. Even your second-favorite Sagittarius will do.

The sign also rules
the flavor cranberry, and you'd be adored if you served up a cranberry and Sky
vodka.



LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulousdancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commandingdignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probablybecause they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed,expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them.But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignoreit (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to makeit up to you the next day.



VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order ontotheirbender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking lessthan other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat,to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely getfully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect,but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose whenwalloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friendused to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligencetonight.

" A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it'sjustthat I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party,mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (withInsta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libraside (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really worka room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control,however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearingtheir wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with theirbest friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely.

Oops!

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'llsmirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimperingdrunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you ifyou have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as somethingto savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though ifdepressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally,they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliantconversationalists and dizzyingflirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when youwere blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many oftheir own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with.This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from thesign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?).They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade theentire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground,or Cancun.

Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility
of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call with a Cancer after a
few Coronas).



CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,steadfast,money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrologicalcocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox,not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerfuland seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make moneybeing themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars,they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a littlesocial lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially ifthey can hook up with a cute groupie.



AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don 't go together that well(exceptfor water, that is). They have an innate tendency towardknow-it-allism,and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stainor a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however,they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they makeperfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capitaldrink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can getthem before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunkpeople and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangerswhile sober.



PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard thatyoushare a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, LizaMinelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves inthe dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they buildup a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On theother hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversationor in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcherof margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictivepersonality" can be read two ways you know.

if all horoscopes weren't bullshit they'd still be bullshit.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard thatyoushare a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, LizaMinelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves inthe dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they buildup a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On theother hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversationor in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcherof margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictivepersonality" can be read two ways you know.




lol.

yeah.

the scorpio one too.

don't ever challenge me to a drinking contest. you'll probably end up dead.

hahaha, fits for the most part, I am an airie

O RLY?

We'll see about that.

so I have an unbridled beast lurking within?

well. YOU might be able to beat me.

Well, who knows.

Well off the mark. I don't drive precisely because I drink too much of the time.

lilly I'll drink you under the table!

btw I kind of like that there are no virgo rockstars listed and none that I know of either....

balls. balls balls balls.

I won't drink you under those though...

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much--they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's justhard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse andallusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced stateof intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic abilityto flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) withseveral people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round-- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks:beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

Yes to short attention span, being a public nuisance when pissed, and ordering cocktails without thinking of the lethal quotient.

Go Geminis! *falls off bar stool*

AQUARIUS.

But well off the mark. I don't get any ideas while I'm sizzled.

Yeah, I don't agree with mine either. I actually think I'm all of the above, just depends on the night.

weird, aren't these things supposed to always be right....

:-P

SAGITTARIUS

all wrong.

that is weird, i had vodka and cranberries all weekend at atp, and i drinking one right now

bullshit or not, that's freaky

:rolleyes:

----

mine is off, i'm not money-hungry or status thirsty or steady.

1) you've got that right, and

2) yeah bitches-- you've been warned.

they left out boogermykthipians

so i'll just add that.


BOOGERMYKTHIPIAN: (JAN 3-17, APR 23-25, JUNE 1-30, OCT 31, DEC 14)

Boogermykthipians drink alcohol and enjoy puzzles. They like to drink and walk through city streets yelling at people regarding puzzles - puzzles could range from actual 40k piece jigsaws to mathematical equations. The point is, these are the people that construct anthems from their blood. More often than not a Boogermykthipian will mention the old days but they won't be talking about previous generations or their youth, they'll be talking about last week. These people MOVE. They would skateboard if skateboards had rockets attatched to them. They are very particular about rocks and minerals and generally put sedimentry over igneious, but this isn't the rule. All Boogermykthipians frown and spit upon metamorphisis rocks. They will drink everclear and fart and scoff at these rocks and call them fencesitters and villanous quaker/gnostic hybrids. These are the people you see jumping around on Thursdays dressed up as ruffians with flails made of icecream and synapse refractors. They collect your trushiglimph with a hazadrash and then unleash valiance tropes against the atmosphere. They cling together in gangs and often mimic the group tendencies of elephant herds. On Rare occasions a Boogermykthipian can be found isolated. This is when to strike. If you can befriend one of these lone walrii then you will gain tusked knowledge into these other places you previously thought only existed in the remote regions of the Zagros Mountain range circa 347 a.d. While their taste in music may range from early reggae to German classical, they have been known to waltz around amusement parks with boomboxes blasting late era Genesis.
Boogermykthipians also enjoy marmite to the extent that they will forgo all bread or crackers, biscuits, lobsters, or any food and just dip their hands into the jar and smear it all over themselves like swine, slurping up every last drop of the stuff.

This Cancer has been waking up still drunk every morning this weekend. Not exactly sipping wine over a candle-lit game of backgammon really, is it?

that's the other thing - Boogermykthipians can overlap with other scopes. It has to do with the sun's earwax potential combined with grafted celestial mechanized gnomes. They're like the covert shadow dwellers that lurk in moss laden caverns or within vast avian nests that loom high above the alpine lines on various mountain ranges. Don't push your luck lest you uncover the secret of the ocean dwelling ones. Forget Genesis with them, they're all about INXS. Or so I'm told.

I'm an Aquarius and I'd say that's me in a nutshell.

Half of mine is true.

honeychile. for the last time. my hair is more important than you.

Mine is pretty correct (Pisces).

Actually, it's really correct.

Haha as if...
Mine (Virgo) is too. Although I used to have more of the Pisces mindset for more than a few years. And some Pisces and Aries ex-girlfriends were trouble. Libras seem to, just like astrology suggests, get along with me on a more mature level.
But no Virgo can buy into astrology, right? Hee, a circular argument there.

Anybody that takes astrology seriously needs help.


Jim: "I don't believe in astrology.....I think it's a bunch of bullshit."

(crowd goes nuts)

it's really interesting. i have loads of shit, books and things on it and some of it is so accurate that you have to wonder.

aries = fucking troublemakers.

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don'tknow when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them proneto closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they getmighty flirty after a coupleof tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is agood way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whateverhappened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can becounted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and doneanything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

That's me to a T.

How depressing.

hahahahahaha; sorry, i had to do it.

I'm Scorpio, it's actually very accurate.

ok, let's apply a bit of science since im fed up witht he "oooh its me" shit.


bullshit. other people don't control me. what the fuck.

mmm, who doesn't? raise your hand if you don't give a shit about my opinion of your drinking. yeah, i thought so...

er... so everyone who buys single malt scotches, good wines, premium bourbons, everyone who likes a good cocktail, everyone who much rather have a nice drink than a fucking swig of stove alcohol, every customer of this multibillion dollar premium drink industry is a scorpio? hm yeah, we are legion, right...?


i never drink when a) angry, b) depressed. a lot of people do, they are called lame alkies. all alkies = scorpios?



who wouldn't wanna be told they are fucking brilliant, etc? everyone will say "oh yeah that's me maaaan".

well i always fucking remember everything even shit people posted here 5 years ago.

only drink with a paranoid schizophrenic who likes you. i mean, who the fuck likes to drink with people who don't like them? i mean-- even masochism has its limits.