how do you know when its time
 

to break up with someone?

noted, my decisions on my personal life do not lie in the hands of sonic youth community board members.

Its more of a D&M conversation that I just can't have with anyone right now, about a person that none of the friends I used to have would ever want to talk about in the first place. So Im having the talk here. No, right now I dont really have any friends to share it with. The only person close to me whom I have any real closeness to, is feeling less and less like the person I want to be around for.. always.


how many times do you keep trying?

how many times do you think.. no really.. Im done... and then wake up and it's alright, for a while... and repeat.?

how many times do you "breakup" before you actually stop breaking up and just leave?

How long do you.. let yourself feel sad and pushed down and act so unlike what is true to your heart and soul and personality, just so you don't make waves?

meh.

Oh crap - breaking up and finishing a relationship has never been a wildly pleasant affair in my experience. I've tried in certain situations to make something work, because a part of me still wants to be with that person the way that I used to experience them & feel about them in the better times. I also end of denying the reality of the situation, in that the relationship is no longer working or going anywhere, until I finally have to man up and deal with it. My heart and feelings may be in the "right" place, but my sense of what's really going on usually isn't...The situation is resolved in that the relationship ends fully, and I end up feeling alternately sad and angry about the whole thing.

No advice from me on this, but what you say certainly resonates with me to a degree. Only you know your true feelings on this, and only you know what you need to do to ensure your own happiness, and to allow yourself to be really you....

absolutely. I just need some words out and some words in. thank you for yours.

being that I'm nothing more than a Personal Electronic Device®, I don't have many wise words to pass on relating to this subject.

75.6789% of my vox_routines cause me to say "get fucked" when activated, so I'll just sit here buzzing softly while the carbon sentients dole out much better advice than I can give.

I'll be here when you need me.

You just got to do what feels right. Breaking up can be tough but if you really feel like your relation is going nowhere and you and you really want to break up you shouldn't wait too long to do so. Delaying it only makes it harder. Eitherway, I hope things will work out for you.

First I need to learn how to actually go out with someone before thinking about how I'm going to break up with them. Heh.

but who knows, wheeeere the time goeeeees
ahhhh who knows, where tiiime, goes...

---

i don't think that's a logical decision, it's about how you feel.

Any relationship that makes you feel like that is not worth being in.
While the immediate aftermath will most likely be really fucking horrible, you'll be doing both of you a favour in the long run. Trust me on this one.

Yeah, don't prolong the inevitable. All the breakups I've had, you just feel that there's no way things will ever be great so we both just kinda knew and got it out of the way.

I was always bad at breaking up. I either did it too abruptly or to subtly.

I came to the conclusion it's the end when a relationship is only an annual revenue of complications, rather than a happy one which sometimes happens to be complicated.

Not that I'm saying anything new here, but what's the point of having a relationship with someone who constantly makes it difficult for themselves, and then expect you to always know their motivations? I'm not a fan of needy boyfriends anymore because they stop taking responsability for their own thinking/actions and always expect you to pick up the bill.

I realise I'm talking from the point of view of someone is 34 and has been in three relationships that sucked my blood dry one way or another, still that's not a good mindset to start one with at any age.

try to clear up your mind what you wanna save from the relationship.
and if the situation allows it try to make the other one understand that there is something you dont wanna loose, like a friendship underneath the shadow of the gone wrong relationship.
if thats the case it can soften the edges of the breaking up. but you have to be honest to yourself, if its not the case then do NOT pretend just to soften the edges...that would hurt the other one more then just being honest.
I hope its clear enough what I wanted to say

6:30.

Oh, wait, no, Two and a Half Men is on. Wait till 7.

I've been running in circles with someone I haven't spent more than one month apart from, in total, for the past 5 years (including the duration of a regrettable relationship with another guy). We've finally decided to actually live in different cities for a few months. Physical space is the only thing that could keep us apart. I think it will be the ultimate test.

In other words, I'm there, too. I think I'd understand anything you feel, more than you know.

were you not talking about having a baby not so long ago, like a couple of weeks ago in the 2009 resolutions thread?
bah.
to each his own i guess; you leave when youve decided it's enough unhappiness.

I experienced something similar to this. I loved a girl, and we were part of each others' lives from the time we were 14 until a few months ago. We were so similar in so many ways. Our thought processes were even alike. We thought about the same things, questioned the same way, and within one another we found someone who we could fully relate to. That was the best feeling I ever had. And the worst was when I realized we were growing up, and in different directions. About a couple years ago, I knew it was over. We continued to try to get back together with new ideas and approaches, but it wouldnt last more than 2 weeks at a time. We would even try being friends. But after awhile of hanging out as friends, one of us would start to develop ideas and feelings again.

The last 2.5 years of our relationship was very painful. And that is what I told her. I didnt want to see her anymore, as a lover, or as a friend. It confused me, it hurt me, and it was clear that we would never be together again, and in order for me to move on, I had to stop talking to her.

So i moved 400+ miles away and deleted her number from my phone.

thats how I dealt with the issue. But im really good at running away from my problems.

ouch dood. That sounds really painful.

I handle breakups really well. I think they're fun. I've had 3 girls break up with me who years later email me or see me and say they wish they were still with me. The good thing about being a guy is that there are millions more girls out there than guys, so there's plenty of selection. Girls usually date complete morons though.

It'd be difficult if my current girlfriend and I broke up though, to be completely honest. Not because we've been together nearly 6 years but because do you know how long it's going to take to convince another girl to stick her finger in my ass?

I'm just kidding, but.......

But yeah, handling breakups is easy. You just have to realize that the person you're breaking up with is just another person. Often, people have this inferiority complex. I psyche myself out with that and with people in general, realizing that I'm not going to let anyone control my emotions because no one is better than me. Not that I'm better than anyone, either -- but there's no point getting torn up over a person or your memories with them, because you can find another equal by just going outside and having making new memories with them. Ending anything is sad to an extent to most "normal" person, I guess, but within months you'll completely forget because you'll be doing so many new and awesome things.

I'm not trying to downplay anyone's emotional, fulfilling, loving, epic relationships.. but we all are VERY young and if shit happens, it happens. Every ending is a new beginning, right?

^^ you didn't have to convince her did you?
OUTACONTROL!!!!

No, she was curious about butt play.

But it took like 3 years to get to that point. And now I'm addicted!

oh cuz that's common now, ok. I though that had been a lucky one off.
i have to do it myself. It's good gym.

My thing with girls, and if you ever look at every girl I've dated.. they all have looked completely different... I don't have a "Type", I just want a completely different looking/acting person. I just want something new!!

progressive taste in women

haha....I had to hold myself from laughing too loud.

yeah i'm a prog dater.

I was discussing this just last night with a female friend of mine. the topic was what are the top 3 qualities we look for in a mate. I was trying to describe that "spark," and I think its one of those things that can't easily be described with language.

As far as progressive dating is concerned, I am the same way. I definitely dont have a "type;" however, I tend to be strongly attracted to intellectual, deep-thinking, women. In my experience thus far, these women tend to also be the most insane.

Dont get me wrong though. I love shallow and/or easy girls.

On the outside, I like girls with short hair, a smooth little ass, and tattoos and/or piercings. Basically, if a chick looks like a boy but has some extremely defining female features (ass, tits) I'm like whoaaaa. On the inside, she has to be open minded and funny and easy to talk to. Of course.


Not too bad.

yeh. maternal type feelings. This does of course rely on me first having a stable relationship. So, if there isnt one anymore, then I wont have a kid any time soon.

When it's good, I feel safe and comfortable and content with my partner, and as though really I couldnt be like that with anyone else... But, I know that comes with any relationship that lasts, so I dont think its a valid reason to include in the 'pro's' column. Sigh.

a HINT of psychotic? This has always seemed to prove to be strangely alluring to men, in my poor mental health experience.

While of course, like you said, the decision cannot and should not lie in our hands, if you're asking "how many time do we break up before..." it sounds bad. Not that I have any idea of the dynamic you guys have, in my experience it's actually very difficult to see the futility in habitual "break ups." It's always kind of obvious in retrospect, but at the time my mind is thinking, "Well signs say we should break up...but what if we shouldn't?" Which makes no sense, really.

Needless to say, those past relationships eventually ended, and I'm obviously glad of that now. So there must be some bias in that.

My default opinion is that if you're asking the question, the answer is most likely yes--it's time. If you're destined to marry them, I know a ton of people who marry people they broke up with for months. So if it's that strong of a relationship, it would stand a real break-up.

Yes, it is alluring to some.

When I break up with someone, I just go right out and tell them I don't want to be with them anymore. In ending a sort of kind of relationship, I just stop talking to them. Completely. For at least three months.
Call me cold, but it works.

Yeah, I always have a month or two of 0 contact. Three is probably better. I think it's unhealthy not to.

The part where I begin to faulter is when they call when I'm drunk.
Cause, and a lot of you know this by now, I enjoy talking on the phone while drunk.

lots of guys get their sensitive side out when drunk.

Al shabbray has some wise things to spread.

Flophouse, it sucks that you have to deal with that shit right now. But you know, with as little as you've shared about the relationship here, it sounds like you will actually be o.k. :)

Do what cars_willkillyou if you want to live life in a dream world where things dont have consequences until they actually do ten fold and youre fucked. Try blocking the number of a girl who desperately needs to tell you that youre now the proud father of a cluster of herpes.

ew. I am proudly STI free.



Hopefully the emotional confusion will clear up though/

I hope you aren't implying that I'm a dude.

you're not? oops. sorry about that?

S'ok though now really, you can always send them a hallmark.