Rewards
 

If you work too hard, what do you reward yourself with?

a) short-term rewards


b) medium-term rewards


c) long-term rewards

A) pot

B) more pot

C) roast beef sandwich

But in all seriousness, I don't reward myself.

I'm looking for ideas. My reward system is failing.

You ha a reward system? What did you reward yourself before?

whiskey and rage

her liver can't take it anymore

I actually drink beer and wine. But yeah, my liver probably wants me to change my reward system too.

Also ridiculous amounts of coffee and the occasional shameful smoke.

Calling people cunts isn't helping with the stress either.

I think perhaps yoga, but that would involve wearing funny clothes.

I'm thinking short weekend trips.

a. a nap or a cuddle

b. a good night's sleep and good food. sleeping in is my biggest reward, especially together with the boyfriend. there's usually one of us who has stuff to do so being able to wake up together without an alarm clock or anyone actually having to get out of the bed is awesome.

c. cooking for my family or another group of people. i rarely have the time to cook large portions and make different things, so taking a whole day to make them a meal means i can have time for myself. also, buying fabric and patterns for future sewing.

I don't work too hard.


when I reqard myself though, it is

A) I allow myself $10-$20 to get some used records at the used record store. Ussually get 3-4 cool things.

B) on medium term things, I will treat myself and my lady to a seafood feast at some bad-ass restaurant.

C) on long term big things....have not yet had the opportunity....

Nothing. I have everything I want (which isn't much -- some cd's, some movies, a $50 guitar, a $500 car, and a $24 camera); I had it a lot time ago, so I'm constantly giving away and selling all my useless stuff now. I really have no idea what I'm working for. I don't feel any joy or pleasure in having lots of money or being successful. I mean, It's nice to be able to go out and pay for stuff, but I've never felt any sense of inflated self-worth just because people recognize me as a hard worker. I mean, people know I'm someone that "get stuff done", but I don't really care about people's opinions, positive or negative. And I've never been proud of anything I've ever done, since I was taught at a young age that being happy with myself and being content is wrong... even though I know I'm talented in some areas, and more motivated than almost anyone I've met, I still feel like I'm never be happy, and never will be, with myself. Which is probably why I'm so depressed all the time... Come to think of it, the only thing that makes me happy at all is when I make other people happy. So, I guess it's good that I've worked hard and saved my money for the past 7 years of non-stop work so I can buy my girlfriend stuff and we can go out and do things. Of course, I've also given my mom thousands of dollars in the past few years. She has cancer now, but before that, she was just really fucking lazy, sitting around the house for 5 years straight and eating food and mooching off of my stepdad and me. She'd run up credit cards and do all this bullshit, and I'd have to bail her out. It was embarassing in a way but made me feel like I had some worth in life, sometimes, too. It was usually just annoying. She really pissed me off when I found out she forced my name on a credit card (she had my social security number and all other information, so it was easy) in order to buy pills online. Luckily, she didn't ruin my credit, but the way I found out about it recently was pretty shitty. But, yeah, as far as buying myself something, or doing anything for myself -- I really never do, as there's nothing I "want", and I seriously feel like shit if I spend more than $5 on myself. I have to constantly psyche myself into it.. like "okay, I am buying guitar strings.. but this is good, because there are people out there who want to hear me play guitar..." You know? I can only do things for "myself" if I convince myself that someone else will benefit from it. The only thing I enjoy buying for myself is an occasional handful of pain pills -- and it's only because I need those, because of my fucked-up back, and I'm too unmotivated to go to the doctor (don't have insurance either). I often am questioning why I'm working, why I'm doing the things I'm doing.. and I realize it's out of boredom. I don't even care if people think I'm lazy. I don't care what anyone thinks of me... so, yeah, I basically work, at this point, just to do something except sit around the house and be bored. Either way, I'm the only person I know in real life who isn't in debt... so that's kinda neat. Especially when you consider how many of them have had everything handed to them in life, and no one's given me a fucking thing. I can sleep peacefully at night knowing that I usually do the right thing. Maybe that, in itself, is a reward.

i don't reward. i only punish.

Hee. Actually, now that you mention it, I do like to be punished, by my old lady. Punishment is a good reward. Also, jumbo shrimp. Loud silence. Maybe my life is a walking contradiction.

...I live in some shitty smog-filled midwest shithole, and I guess one day, before I die in the next 5 years, I do want to make it to the beach, that'd make me happy. I am leaving all my money to my girlfriend.

marijuana

Short term: Booze
Medium Term: New records (as of late)
Long term: Taking miss Emily out of town (going to Savannah next month)

I think I'll bake cookies or something. But I need a magic thought that says KEEP GOING NOW.

you might wanna spend some of your hard-save money on medical treatment-- just saying.

also: do not give her an incentive to bump you off

Eh, I'd rather die, honestly. I'm unhappy in life, I've never been happy, and I never will be happy. I've accepted it. I just don't really care about taking care of myself anymore. Oh well.

punishment is not a reward. that's just silly. i agree with symbol guy. when it rains, it pours. i've had so much bad shit happen to me. but i refuse to believe that's all there is for me.

Uh, I meant, in bed. You know, being spanked and shit.

oh everyone likes to be spanked... don't they?

that's what im saying-- find a shrink-- might be worth the expense.

a good shrink to me fills the role of a priest/rabbi/etc minus the hocus pocus bullshit. a sort of sane parent for the children of the insane. etcetera.

if you're planning to die anyway, what do yo have to lose, scrooge mcduck?

I don't care what happens to me when I die. I already have told people I want to be cremated, and my ashes thrown in a trash can, or down a toilet. No funeral, no tombstone, fuck it. I have made tons of movies and albums and shit -- I have created a legacy, so I won't be completely forgotten, perhaps. And if I am, oh well. I won't be here to know the difference. I have also let my girlfriend know all the boards I post on, so when I die, she can get on here and tell people that I passed away. I'm not sure if anyone would care anyway.

Anyway, back to this thread...

chin up kiddo

im not talking about after dying, that's a crock of balls-- i mean how can you care when you're dead. also, you can't take your money to the grave. well, maybe you can, but you can't use it (and somebody will dig it out the next day)

im talking about the time you're alive-- if you're never happy, as you say, you're missing out in a big way. if you really are going to be dead in 5 years, at least you could enjoy yourself so you can say "fuck, this was worth it".

i'm just saying-- i think not knowing happiness is pretty tragic. is like never getting laid-- but maybe worse. yeah, worse.

i mean, give it a shot-- if you're already dead, in a way, what do you have to lose?

I've just watched every movie that's ever interested me, heard every band, read every book, taken every drug, played every video game, done every sex-act, etc... Nothing has really ever made me happy -- well, a few things, certainly -- but I just feel like I've done so much so quickly and there's just nothing left to look forward to. I mean, there's going to be some cool shit I'll find out from now until the final days.. but not much... the past year, besides listening to techno and electroacoustic improv, I've sat silently in my room for the most part.

the thing with happiness is that it's an internal emotional state, not something you "get" from something else, e.g. "every sex act" can satisfy your curiosity and bring you pleasure but not necessarily make you happy. i mean you can be pretty happy sometimes by sitting down doing absolutely nothing. yes, with no drugs, drinks, or anything.

my point is that maybe it's well worth it to explore what the fuck is this happiness bullshit i'm talking about before you decide to call it quits. and no, you don't get there by seeking more kicks or accumulating experiences. you get it by working through the emotional bullcrap that was dished out to you since your childhood. yeah, i know this sounds like "deep thoughts" but shit can fuck you up. it can also be cured.

what the hell, what's going on.

I think if I lived in America I'd probably hire a shrink at some point, sounds like a good idea, but I don't think it's quite the same here in England.

not all of them are good.

If I lived in England I'd probably visit the dentist once a week....just to make sure I didn't end up like everyone else around me.

;)

you wouldn't be able to afford that.

ughhh?

no, in england you have more social controls and more conformity and less serial killers. before you need psychiatric intervention you have dozens of busybodies telling you that what you're doing is "not proper". here by contrast it's "every man for himself." very liberating, yet not without its risks. every culture has a dark side.

Hence this:

America kicks ass, literally...and period.

do we have more conformity?

what's this obsession with the ass?

anyway, what im saying is that life in 'merica is very free but also very lonely. everyone in their little tv-lit cavern. people can live in basements for years without anyone noticing. back home in sudacaland your relatives would drag you out into the sun (not "yours"-- the impersonal yours). by force if necessary.

If the last 50 years of pop culture and the way America has shaped it proves anything...then for damned sure.

i suppose someone can see it that way.

but to me at least, the british will also be able to criticise things, especially themselves.

while in america people will see some fucking cunts take their house or all their life savings and will probably think it's ok because that's what "freedom" means.

i don't know, that's my rant for the day.

it wasn't that, but these constant displays of random empty patriotism could also be social conditioning - and also annoying.

i've seen groups of british people operating abroad and they seem a very cohesive bunch that operates as a social entity, with an implicit set of dos and dont's that everyone seems to agree upon. a bazillion times i had to hear them talk about how this or that wasn't "proper". proper this proper that proper proper proper. they know what's expected and police themselves. not sure if you can see this embedded in your own social milieu. as an outsider, this called my attention though.

americans on the other hand (im an outsider here too) scatter in their own direction and are incapable of any kind of consensus-- americans need written rules, clearly spelled out, or else it becomes a free-for-all and complete chaos. that's whats called "the libertarian streak of american culture". nobody knows what's expected unless it's written in a rulebook. which also generates a legalistic society (american football is a very legalistic sport, it has a million rules and a million refs). as a result of this lack of social cohesion or a common social ethos, plus the isolation of the american suburb and rural population, america begets a higher number of weirdos, cultists, charlatans, televangelists, lunatics and serial killers-- this in spite of some legendary british eccentrics (eccentrics perhaps in relation to europe).

anyway that's my "theerie".