Episode Four
A doctor, allegedly to raise money for a little girl with head cancer, offers
telephone sex, even when he is with patients. One patient is horrified when, in between asking him about his symptoms, the doctor keeps picking up the phone or speaking through a headset and saying things like
"I've come on my knee", always in a very formal voice.
A maid gets very upset when her employee tells her off for taking so long to vacuum the house because she uses a tiny
vacuum cleaner that is only a few inches in height.
In a scene reminiscent of
Nikita, a man has a fight with a friend and waits for someone to come round and dispose of the body. The person who arrives is a six-year-old girl, who, despite her tender age, turns out to be very proficient at chopping up corpses. She is also very foul-mouthed and carries a gun. The body turns out not to be dead, but she kills him so that she can finish the job. The police arrest the surviving man.
A young boy complains to his mum that there is a monster in his wardrobe. When she goes to check the monster turns out to be an old man, who uncaringly, tells the mother, when she asks what he was doing, that he was going to abduct and rape the child. The mother does not seem distressed, and tells the man to go downstairs and wait until she's gone to bed to abduct he child.
A couple grieving for a miscarried baby are horrified when their cheerful neighbour comes round with a present in the form of a miniature coffin, which he proudly proclaims that he made himself. The couple are not impressed, and the man explains that coffins aren't generally used. The conversation runs dry and the neighbour attempts to console them by pointing out that the baby was his.
Seen through a window, two men shoot one another in their rectums with automatic pistols then roll around in agony and apparent sexual pleasure.
A very lonely woman with a dull voice goes to great lengths to meet people, such as by setting up traps to injure them so she can come to the rescue, or in one instance dressing up as a policewoman and telling a woman her son is dead then immediately asking the sobbing mother if she wants to see
"Cats" at the theatre that evening.
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Episode Five
A woman who claims to perform
acupuncture actually practices
crucifixion, explaining that she puts them out in the back yard and 'sometimes they're down by morning'.
When he is accused of prescribing
heroin to a girl, a doctor blinds himself by flashing a spotlight into his face and thus enabling him to go home sick (he intends on driving) and avoid having to give an explanation for his actions.
A couple reluctantly agree to buy a house after the vendor insists that, on top of the asking price, he wants to have sex with the intended purchasers. The couple eventually grow tired of it and the husband lets his mentally handicapped sister take his place for the sex session.
Featuring CCTV footage of his actions, an inept armed robber admits that his plan of holding up a shop with an axe went a bit wrong when "the day I went in with the axe wasn't the same day as the day I made the threatening gestures".
Standing in a rainy field, a man - played by Chris Morris - explains how he survives by living outside and eating moss and insects. He ignores his wife who keeps suggesting he move back in to the house. He tells that sometimes he thinks that it would be so easy to go back in, but it would be giving up. He concludes by saying that he will probably be killed off by a frost when the winter comes.
Whilst giving directions, a man urinates on the side of the car belonging to the man asking for the directions. Bizarrely, the car has
urinals all round it, except at the place the man is standing.
Two parents seem totally unconcerned when their young son does not come home from school. It is some time before they bother trying to find out what happened to him. When the police telephone them and say they have found the boy's raped and strangled corpse, the parents are rather annoyed that they are obliged to bury him, and the father vows to
"Have a word" - polite but indignant - with the man, a friend, suspected of carrying out the murder.
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Episode Six
A woman invites the man from next door into her flat. She opens by asking him to feel her breast, and explains that she will have to slap him for doing so. She does; this repeats, and after a number of similar advances, ends up tricking the man into "raping" her, for which he is arrested. Despite her warnings, the man still gives in to his urges.
CCTV footage shows a children's game of
musical chairs which turns nasty when some over-competitive parents start attacking each other's children and then each other.
To his horror, a timid security guard in an office witnesses several people step into a lift shaft and, thanks to the lift not actually being there, they plunge, screaming, to the bottom. He tries to warn others but his nervousness doesn't allow him to get the warnings out in time. They all ignore him and continue to stroll into the empty lift shaft and fall to their deaths.
A couple explain that they are convinced their five-year-old daughter is actually a forty-six-year-old man trapped inside a child's body. They give her an operation to fit her with a penis and testicles. They express particular satisfaction with the testicles. We do not actually see the handywork, as it is out of shot.
Two male friends start kissing whilst in a
pub, despite evidently having no previous homosexual urges. They try to tell their wives when they arrive but the women think it's a joke.
A couple go to see a doctor and refuse to believe the diagnosis that the wife is pregnant. She believes her swollen belly is just a "spot". The couple believe that the doctor is attempting to examine the woman for her own sexual gratification, whilst the doctor attempts to explain the pregnancy.
In a
veterinary surgery, a man requests that he is allowed to have sex with his dog whilst it is in the process of being
euthanised. The veterinary refuses, so the man contents himself by just pulling down his trousers whilst he watches his dog die.
Police hunt for a corpse in the woods whilst two rather bizarre
elfin figures leap and covort around them, singing to
Piero Umiliani's
Mah Na Mah Na. One memorable sight is that of a
clarinet being placed in the corpse's mouth and being 'played' by his chest being manually pumped.
A couple have an incredibly bizarre session of sex, involving such antics as the man fulfilling the woman's request to
"shit your leg off" before he begs the woman:
"Whack my bonobo!! Whack my bonobo!!". The woman eventually demands that the man makes his sperm come out green, but he can't do this; and when the sex session fails, he complains about his leg. We see very little of this, merely a shot from a camcorder half-buried under a pillow.
A woman goes to a doctor with her son, who can't help wetting himself. The doctor insists that there is nothing wrong with wetting oneself, and proves it by doing exactly that in front of his horrified patients. As with most 'Doctor' sketches, the speech is distorted, and the 'torrent of urine' shot is shown in slow-motion, adding to the dreamlike effect of the sketch.
