Funny things you've said when you were intoxicated. . .
 

(to a girl who asked me a question that I didn't feel like answering) "All I want to talk about is how big my dick is and how hard I'm gonna fuck you with it."

(I don't know what prompted me to say this) "All I want is a girl that will lick my balls for eternity"

(when someone asked if I was homosexual) "I like vaginas. I like to stick my fingers in them."

Those are all pretty sexual. Much props.

At my aunt's birthday party, to a man that could only speak spanish i was trying to tell him to say goodnight. Three glasses of wine of course didn't help my poor spanish. I said "Feliz navidad" when i meant to say "Buenas noches." How I did this, I have no idea but I didn't stick around soon enough to see the look on his face. Oh, and the birthday party was in may, no where near christmas.

"I've only had two drunks and i'm not even drink yet! Fuck off!" to friends telling me i'm hogging all the liquor.

I don't really say stupid shit when drunk. I can handle my booze these days. If I do say something stupid it's a joke.

I handle my booze too, but it does loosen my tongue. But I allow it to loosen my tongue.

Yeah, right. I use that excuse sober (like the other day when I used the word "understanded")

I don't think I say anything more stupid than I already do when I'm drunk... its just funnier when im pissed

one time my friend and i was off the head on Ecstacy and he turned to me and said..

"hey man, so what was you name before you were called Jerry?"

the minute he said it he realised it was a stupid thing to say, we laughed for hours.

Nobody ever says anything funny when intoxicated, it just seems funny when you are.

Things said when stoned =

"isn't it great how the ground's, like, underneath us"
"i like bigger bags of doritos cos you get more in them"

The one joke that ever really made my laugh from that Ugly Betty show was when she goes to a bar to pick up her drunk boss and the bar tender says to her -

"well he came in and started ordering scotch rocks, and when he started asking for crotch socks i thought i'd better call somebody"

he he he he he

"SShhhhhhh, I'm doing drugs" *hits pipe*

My mood when i'm drunk depends a lot on who i'm with.

Haha, these are great, thank you.

I generally don't say stupid things when I'm intoxicated, but one time I kept rambling on to my friend about how dolphins are just like hockey players, or something along the lines.

A few years back on Canada day my friends convinced me to yell across the street
"YOU'RE HOT. I WANT TO FUCK YOU" at this blonde girl

"i wish the air had color. fucking green air, dude!"

"your eyes are like rocks but they're squishy and have cooler colors"

I never had been drunk or intoxicated. But i would probably out myself.

"Jim Jarmush on a fishhook"

"Kevin Garnett is the dark prince of minnesota"

I think I just start insulting people when I'm drunk. It's not funny.

I usually go quiet when I'm drunk.
Apparently, one time I started to call out percentages in a drunken slur, after a lousy day at work.
Alcohol seems to have a very bizarre effect on people. It can turn even the nicest of people into very strange moody people.

never been drunk, never been high.

hell, i don't even consume caffeine.

cousin: "dude, dom go blow your nose" (my nose was runny)
me: "I'd rather go blow my own dick"

fucking rightious!