Corey Haim is dead.
 

later bro

well that's the end of him, then.

Damn...

RIP

he'll never know what it is to hit 39. We could've shared so much.

I think it's time that we stopped glorifying canadians and drug addicts.

let's all hope that this doesn't put the future of Lost Boys 3 in jeopardy.

I hope that I don't either. time to get busy. time
to take drrrrrrugs.. . .. .. . ... .

it's a good jumping off point. if only the parkinsons disease didn't mean that i kept missing when putting the revolver to my head.

I've always failed to understand why someone would use a gun.

poor forethought perhaps?

I plan to perform the Carradine Maneuver.

Who the fuck is this guy, anyway ?

Unless Corey Feldman dies, I don't care.

License to Drive kicks dick!

'Lost Boys' is fucking weak.

you call that a eulogy? come on!

 

Why? That is the question that we are left asking ourselves. Why? Why does God work in the way He does? Why does God make the seemingly random choices He does? Why does God give us life and then take it away so callously? Why would God take a man like Corey Haim away from us in the prime of his life? And then we receive the answer: because the prime of Corey Haim’s life was about 20 years ago and his only accomplishment of prominence since then was that he had pretty well mastered the profession of Total Junkie Fuck-Up . God’s ways are not mysterious. We all saw this one coming. In fact, I had Corey in my Dead Pool! Hello, steak dinner!
But even though you know the answers, when someone like Corey Haim dies, you still have questions.
Why Corey Haim? Why not me? Then you quickly realize that you would much rather have Corey Haim die than yourself. That one was easy.
Why Corey Haim? Why not Corey Feldman? Ooooh, that’s a tough one. Everyone fucking hates Corey Feldman. It’s not even rational at this point. I just look at him and I want to hit him in the face with a shovel. Remember his Michael Jackson tribute? He apparently is a Lieutenant in the “Got Touched” army.
It’s a good question: why not Corey Feldman? I really don’t have a good answer. Jesus, just look at that smug squint. Death becomes him.

It’s a good question: why not Corey Feldman? I really don’t have a good answer. Jesus, just look at that smug squint. Death becomes him.
How about both of them? I’m sure neither of them wants to be alone. We can work at this. I’ve got my eulogy ready: “Corey Feldman - yeah, well, you know.”

Also, Widow Feldman, call me when the grieving period is done. I’ll delivery another eulogy, if you know what I mean. Oh, that’s a terrible analogy, isn’t it? Not exactly romantic either. What I meant to say involved sex. You figured prominently. I can participate or just watch. Seriously, just figure it out for yourself, but make sure I’m at least present.
But still, why? Why Corey Haim? Why not Corey Perry?
Because he won GOLD at the Olympics, World Juniors Gold and a Stanley Cup, that’s why! What the fuck has Corey Haim done in the last few years besides apparently win a few pie-eating contests?

The only gold Haim ever saw was on in the capped smile of his john as Haim orally pleasured the guy for heroin money.
But more questions: why not Luke Perry?
Why not Matthew Perry?
Because their names don’t have Corey in them. Try to stay with the program here. To be clear, though, I am not opposed to their deaths. However, now is not the time.
Why not Katy Perry? See above. Also: see her breasts.
Why Corey Haim? Why not Corey Hart?

Because I liked Corey Hart as a kid. “It Ain’t Enough” is a magical song. I find myself singing it all the time. I can really kill the bridge in that song. Also, I find myself singing “Soul City” by the Partland Brothers a lot. Gourmet Spud loves that song. Speaking of comparative deaths, I would rather Gourmet Spud die than me. He’s Irish — there’s more where that came from. I would also rather the Partland Brothers die than Corey Hart. I guess this means I am pretty cold-hearted when it comes to my friends, and also perhaps a little gay for Corey Hart. But I digress. I never liked Corey Haim. You should never have joined the football team, Lucas, you little faggot. Get a fucking helmet that fits. You might as well be wearing a tin can.
Why Corey Haim? Why not Michael Damian? Seriously — watch this video. Why NOT Michael Damian? Fuck, why not both of the them? Feldman, get in here too. You’re not getting off that easy! (But your wife is once she feels my magical fingers — call me!)
Why Corey Haim? Why not his “License to Drive” co-star Heather Graham? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s not even a question.
In summary, I know we are all shocked and surprised when a former child actor dies. Whoa, sorry. Correction: we are never shocked and surprised when a former child actor dies. I’m actually kind of shocked when they turn out normal. Brian Bonsall, we were really worried about you there. Glad you turned out okay.
Huh. Scratch that.
Still, we’ll always have our memories of Corey Haim. Stilted performances in shitty movies for adolescent girls are a legacy to be proud of. It’s too bad you had to sully it with a spectacular decline into narcotics (and apparently cupcake) abuse. Zac Efron, stay away from the needles! I’m trying to think of a sympathetic note on which to end this eulogy. I am actually drawing a blank. I did really think it was funny when I saw how fat he had gotten. The Lost Boys weren’t lost — he ate them. Wait, that’s not sympathetic at all. Hmmm, I have to find something.
…

Oh, how’s this?: Corey Haim was from Toronto. Go Leafs, Go! Did you see Luca Caputi last night? First goal for the Leafs! Oh, and God rest Corey Haim’s soul. I guess it was the shame of looking like a thirty-something lesbian that drove him to overdose. Who knew? If only Ellen DeGeneres and Chas Bono had done an intervention, he might still be with us today.

looking at pictures of his haggard face made me feel better about myself.

is that wrong? :(

short answer? yes.

2 things:

one time i got corey hart's sweat on me.

corey feldman and i are twins. same DOB. 7.16.71. rock on, nasty twin brother.