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Still a 0. I've never been happy, in 24 years. Life is torture. I have everything I'd ever want, have been "successful" enough in everything I've really put my heart into -- I feel like I do have a lot to show for my existence, and that's saying something since I grew up with nothing -- my mom has done nothing but stole from me, she even forged a credit card in my name a few years ago in order to buy pain pills from Canada! My family are idiots... anyway, the few things that make me happy, like filming flowers and drawing pictures and playing guitar, don't even bring me the happiness they used to bring. I feel like, the older I get, the less I enjoy myself and the things I do -- and I never had a very good self-image to begin with. A lot of people would love to have what I have -- a girlfriend, some cash, and an interesting band (SS) that I have complete freedom in. Even having released some of the best albums I've ever done and having done a movie I think is really good (and, trust me, I'm extremely hard on myself -- I never listen to anything I've made or watch anything I've shot or anything), I still can't muster more than a simple and quiet, "Yay." when reflecting on my "success". I love drugs, they excite me temporarily, but then they depress me. Old friends are too busy bitching about debt, or are too busy fucking each other (either fucking each other OVER or, literally, fucking). I feel like so many people have tried to use me... that's probably all I'm good for, really. I'm a good boyfriend and a good friend and a good worker. But I feel increasingly lazy. I guess I like making other people happy. I like to give others things, I like to come up with things that make others smile. I think I should be a clown.
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