[atsonicpark]

Man, every girl I've dated has had self-esteem problems, which has inevitably led to self-abuse, either mentally or physically. Even a girl saying she hates herself, constantly, is self-abuse. What I've found is that it usually isn't "serious" -- in the literal sense, I mean; teenage suicide is down, in fact -- but it is EXTREMELY serious, on a deeper level, in the fact that this will be something she will probably have to deal with for a long, long time, as is usually the case. I guess, in my case, I've always been attracted to loners, the girls who aren't big partiers and shit; inevitably, the most interesting people -- and the SMARTEST people -- are suicidal. There is a long history of this, let's look at Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, and so on and so forth, it seems like the smarter you are, the less happy you are in life, because ignorance is bliss. I, myself, have always been extremely depressed, but the older I get, the easier it is for me to cope with my problems. But when I was, oh, 20 years old or something, man.. I wanted to fucking DIE!

Anyway, right now, you might get blamed -- by her, by her parents -- you might even blame yourself. Ignore all this. Just be strong. Even if you're depressed out of your mind, yourself, you gotta be strong for her. See, people are ALWAYS looking for someone/something to blame. That's because everyone will be looking for the quick fix. Everyone's so quick to "hey, let's eliminate THIS" "or THAT" "or how about THIS and THAT?" This stuff is never quite that simple. Usually, people who are depressed, are depressed for deep, deep, far-reaching problems that extend many many years back. Some people don't even know why they're so happy, it's more on a subconscious level than anything. Still, life is a cold, depressing landscape. Everyone is looking for ways to escape, to distract themselves from boredom, because boredom is what usually leads us to realize how damn depressing the world really is. "I have nothing else to do, why not focus on HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE?"

How I "distract" myself from my problems is to play music. For a long ass time recently, I sat in my room and didn't go anywhere and didn't do much. I was very unhappy but now I have got some potential new bandmates and goddammit, I want to play! This won't solve everything, but it gives me somewhere to be, someone who desires my time/talent (y'know, relatively speaking -- I can play some weird arpeggios, I dunno if I'm "talented", but to some people, that's a skill they desire), so I have things to look forward to.

Just try to be there for her. Also realize that she will probably want to be alone a lot, too. Just try to help her create a healthy, comfortable environment for herself. She might get pissed off and push you away and blame you -- but when it's all said and done, she'll appreciate you for everything you have done. And sometimes, the best thing to do is to do nothing. She'll say and do some things right now that might really upset you, but that's probably just to push you away even more. I've had girls say they hate me, just so I'll leave them alone. Sometimes, they were looking for an "excuse" to stop living, so they figured if they could get rid of me, they could kill themselves, since they wouldn't have anything else to live for. Obviously, they always quickly abandoned that way of thinking, but when someone's depressed, they don't always think rationally.

Just be really strong. Realize that not everything right now is going to make sense. You might even have to take a little bit of abuse. You know your limits. But you know what? DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. This is not anything you did. this is not anything she even did. But this is something that, one day, won't matter. Things won't always be like this, no matter how awful they seem right now. You guys can get past this -- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Of course it seems like the end of the world right now, but if you can overcome this, you can overcome anything. You will be so much happier in the end. And she will be too.

She's going to be really really selfish right now. She needs to be. Make her feel like that's not a problem. Just make her understand that she has people there for her, who love her, who won't be mad at her for confronting the things she needs to confront. Obviously, just having someone there to really listen to her, will impress her greatly.

Like I said, I've always had these types of issues with girls I've dated -- sometimes, this killed the relationship. Other times, we continued to date for years afterwards. We usually both realized tha this wasn't going to work. However, my girlfrined now -- I love her so much... I am 4 years older than her... we've had similiar lives,to some degree, and then to another extent, our lives have been completely different. Still, we've both dealt with a few things are that identical, so we can definitely empathize on many things. She is such an amazing, wonderful person that I would do anything to help her out.

As of today, she is officially an EMT! She is going to be saving lives. This is all she needed. She can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. She LOVES helping people, period, so being an EMT and literally SAVING LIVES!!!!!!!... this is what she always secretly needed but she didn't realize it until she started taking the classes. Now, all her troubles seem to be going away. Her mind will be on work. She won't have time to be depressed. She'll be out there, with new friends -- peopel with similiar values, no longer surrounding herself with people who bring her down -- really making a DIFFERENCE!

As for me, I've often hung out with big druggies, and I used to think it was fun, but it was only fun because we were fucked up. With a somewhat clearer head, I've personally realized how many people have taken advantage of me, and my good graces. Just realizing I don't need those people to be happy has made me even happier.

You guys will get through this. If you ever need to talk, my pm box is always open.