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Originally Posted by Dr. Eugene Felikson
And Adam (after reading your 2nd post), I just wanna say. The last thing I would want is for you to kill yourself. But I'm moreso saying
"Shit or get off the pot."
No point in talking about how suicidal you are if you aren't going to kill yourself; hence the "wussies".
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I noted that you were probably kidding, but it came off as sort of harsh, since I genuinely do have health problems.
The only reason I talked about how miserable I am is because it was brought up. I don't make threads about wnating to die. I have plenty of things to distract myself with and be "happy" about, apparently ,and yeah I've made and done lots of things that people are inspired by and dig, but that doesn't really change how I feel ,since I make everything for myself. People always tell me "oh you should be happy, you got all these bands and you made all these movies and you have all this money you saved up and you have this girlfriend and so on and so forth." But I want something more in life. I was building webpages when I was 7, I was a hacker when I was 9, I made my first album at 12. I probably grew up a little too fast honestly. But I had to. And now I feel like an old man.
Ultimately, "things" -- girlfriends, bands/albums, movies -- and even ideas -- "Creativity", "Talent", "love" -- don't really make me happy. I'm a very well-liked person in real life, and maybe amongst some of the internet, and have good relationships with tons of people on here. But I hate MYSELF. I hate the way I look/talk/walk/act/live. I'm sure it has to do with all the abuse and whatnot, stuff I'm not going into for the most part... I'll just say that I had a loaded gun pointed to my head by my dad when I was 4 years old. And that's not the worst thing that happened. He beat the shit out of me when I was 4, 5, 6, 7, and my stepmom joined in for 3 of those years.
No matter what I do, I have the scars, I have the nightmares, I have the irrepairable damage, that won't go away. Certainly, there are millions who have had harder lives than me, who aren't even complaining about it at all. I'm really not trying to complain, just trying to illustrate how my views can be so different than yours. Nothing excites me. And sometimes it feels good to be hated. It doesn't make any sense. I'll be the first to admit I'm fucked up. But I mean well. I'm a nice dude. I'm harmless. I'm not solely motivated by pussy or weed or fucking people over, and that separates me from most people I know. I also go out of my way to help everyone out, and that separates me from EVERYONE I know, in real life. I am most proud of myself for being a pretty good person and for working my ass off and having a few things to show for it. But still, I still feel quite hopeless and dead inside quite often. Maybe it'll get better, maybe not.
But I'm not going to kill myself. But yes I am going to die for real, from my health problems which I've went into elsewhere, there's no timetable on it but without some kind of major throat surgeries I may not even be able to talk here soon. Have to use feeding tubes and shit. Who knows? I've been too busy taking care of my dying mom and REALLY dying grandpa to worry about myself much.
Anyway, I hope this illustrates why most posts would be so grim. I'm sad even when I'm happy.