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Originally Posted by nancykitten
Are you seriously trying to argue that Kim does not have a right to feel angry? The man she married cheated on her and lied to her, and you are saying, "you have to know the fully story". What a stretch. If Thurston was unhappy with Kim's behaviour he could have left her; cheating on the mother of your only child and lying to her on a daily basis is wrong. You'd have to be pretty low to disagree with that.
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For some of us, marriage has a foundation of love. And what is love? In the context of marriage it should include, at the very least, caring for each other's needs and trying to make each other happy. I would never have married my wife if I were not committed to her needs and happiness. Thankfully, she is equally committed to mine.
So, what do people need? The answer depends on the individual, but there are some general truths about men and women. For example, I have found that most women need someone to listen as they talk about their feelings, while men are more likely to bottle up their feelings. A good husband will listen. Whatever his wife wants to talk about (or in some cases, "vent" about) might be the least interesting thing to him. But it matters to him because it's important to the woman he loves, so he listens with sincere interest. A wife might also need to be made to feel beautiful. If so, then a good husband will compliment her looks (even as she ages and becomes wrinkled), bring her flowers once in a while or offer other romantic qestures. And when a wife is tired and sore, a good husband won't mind giving an occasional backrub. In my book, a husband who knowingly neglects to do these things is cheating on his marriage, unless his marriage was understood by him and his wife to be based on something other than love.
So, what do men need? Most normal men need sex, among other things. And they need it later in life than most women do. (There are obvious biological reasons for this, as women lose the ability to reproduce at a younger age.)
Now, consider a scenario in which a husband and wife are band mates. They make a good living, but not millions of dollars. They need to keep the band going in order to support their child until she reaches adulthood. Their band mates also need the band, in order to make their living. Now, let's say the husband is loving and attentive, doing whatever he can to make his wife happy. But his wife, after having their only child, lost interest in sex, as some women do. As a result, she no longer has sex with her husband, despite knowing that sex is one of his basic human needs. Not only has the husband been deprived of this need, but he also feels hurt and at least somewhat unloved. He wonders why his wife, who is supposed to love him more than any other woman does, would not care how he feels. As hard as it is having no sexual outlet, this is even more difficult.
So, what should the husband do in this scenario? Should he accept a life sentence of celibacy, knowing that one of his most basic human needs will never again be fulfilled? That doesn't seem fair or reasonable, just as it would not be fair or reasonable for his wife to accept not being able to discuss her feelings with anyone for the rest of her life. (If his wife had been paralyzed by an injury or somehow rendered UNABLE to have sex, then it would be a different story.)
Should the husband just end the marriage, as you suggested? It's easy enough to say that, but what if their daughter were still a child living at home? Should he subject her to the heartbreak of a divorce in the middle of her childhood? What if they still need to keep the band going so they can support their daughter? And what about his band mates and their children? Do they not matter? Do you just yank the plug on their livelihood because of sexual problems having nothing to do with them?
Please explain to me what a man should do in this scenario?
By the way, even though it is obvious, I will point this out: I am not suggesting that the scenario described above is what happened. The point is that we don't know.