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hagerstown--my home base. racist and backwards and redeemable only via
the mexican restaurant, the used book store, and the fact my mom lives here.
washington dc--the areas that are nice feature the distasteful elements
of the 21st century "yuppie" (i know there has to be a newer handle to
describe these well-paid, well-fed, up-to-date cubicles with legs, i just
can't think of it at the moment), the areas that are shit feature the
distasteful elements of man since time immemorial. has a place called
wonder chicken, and yet another establishment named senor chicken.
baltimore--the inner harbor is very nice, fells point quite a sight, but
venture beyond at your own risk. once received a subpoena based on
being a passenger in a cab. home to rats the size of sub rolls.
philadelphia--fuck you. fuckin' overrated cheesesteaks, your fuckin'
scummy streets and scummier people. my stomach churns rancid poisons
every time i think of you, worst city in america.
pittsburgh--love the topography.
montreal--the layout of the area i visited reminded me of--horrors!--
philagoddamndelphia, but the people were nicer. and instead of
cheesesteaks, it is the hockey team that's overrated. SNAP.
chicago--so working class i wanted to go around smacking people on the
back and bellowing, "how 'bout them cubs? have you put on a little
weight? you haven't? well what the fuck's wrong with you, then? c'mon,
let's have a hot dog that outweighs our own heads!"
milwaukee--i don't care where you go, it will be gray. alternately
impassive and imposing...the city that's never sober.
boston--i stayed most of the time indoors. i felt a serious inferiority
complex going on with that city.
nyc--first, fuck queens. seriously. get drunk before you try and navigate
it, because it'll just make you feel that way regardless. manhattan is more
my style. great stuff on the lower east side, just lots happening at all
ends of the cultural spectrum.
los angeles--i once spent midnight to 3 am lost on the streets my first time
there. while i admire the city's dedication to kinko's and subway, i must
wonder at the snobby attitude that exists towards public transport, i really
must.
seattle--my favorite city. i wanted naomi to adopt us and train us as her
unholy ninjas of the night. great bus system, COFFEE EVERYWHERE,
impeccable culinary options...ah, seattle! we were no doubt spoiled by the
fact it didn't rain a single drop while we were there. beautiful weather the
entire time.
portland--nice city; props to any place that has a mexican restuarant
attached to a strip club. seemed smaller than i anticipated.
hodgenville--the hometown of my parents, located in kentucky. quiet,
neat, but limited in consumption opportunities.
ocean city/fenwick island/rehobeth beach--i tend to lump these all
together because my summer weekends are frequently orgies involving all
3. putt putt and jerk chicken, baby. the area where patrick's parents
maintain a beach house is calm and gorgeous, and a hop skip and a jump
from a discount liquor store. that equals out to quality times.
raleigh--like so many shitty areas in pennsylvania, except it's in north carolina-who cares?
atlanta--coke world! aquarium! impressive architecture!
hoboken--if you walk down the street alongside famed club maxwells, you will
not notice much of anything at first. about halfway down the sidewalk,
you will get hit with an inexplicable (OR IS IT?) stink. it lasts the rest of
your walk to the end of the block, odor subsiding with every few steps. if
you were to, once you first get hit with this smell, take a step back to
where you were before, you would no longer get a whiff of it. step
forward--stink. step back--no stink. that's right--you have just stepped
into a world-famous new jersey malodorous portal!
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