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I'm feeling ever out of place-- at least today, but often other times as well.
I'm currently in transition from a place i've been stuck in for awhile-- a college drop out who went back home, got his old job back (at a quiznos- not too high respect or work), and eventually broke up with his girlfriend when she became long distanced by going to the college that he left. Now I'm in the midst of making changes-- such as a car and then a new job... but I also wanna just go and leave un barred by the financial and social strains that everyone must consider-- often not realizing the consideration and having an 'ok' lined up and ready-- there you go!
For one semester of college I owe over 3,000 and also pay nearly 50 a month for a cell phone (ending that soon) and then insurance for my coming car (i currently pay 50 a paycheck for use of my parent's)... It all seems rather absurd to me. While I value education and would've liked to continue school- I don't see my years going to good use. I see them going to a sheet of paper saying i'm qualified for a job that well pay them back. I wanted to go to school to be an artist, not in debt... and I already consider myself the former. So I decline furthering the latter.
But since I've been out of school and at home- over one year, since the end of the fall 05 semester- i haven't done anything... at least not much. I've made 2 cds and am working on a third. Filled several journals with writing and, better yet as it not just for my amusement, drawing ranging from abstractions (drug induced and otherwise) to scenery of my hometwon- louisville, ky. But I'm so sick of louisville and there's hardly anyone hear to take note of anything i've done. And while I admit what i've done has been developmental to something bigger and out of my current grasp-- it's a bit discerning to be producing for yrself and have no one to back up/collaborate.
This is why i want to leave louisville-- and i think maybe my old college town. All my friends are there. Most of them anyways-- the ones here are often drugged or are old highschool friends who couldn't give me the time to call me that since we graduated. But i've also got the problem of living- no where to- this is the down part of crossing a loved one- but nightly shelter woul;dn't be worth a third round of confusion and fall out-- i'm already going to have to have two ways of venom if i go down there at all.
Now that I laid down that long rant/set-up I come to the question-- or a general ponderance.
What do you do with your life if you don't do college?
Do you except the menial jobs and watch as everyone else you know reaches for that higher education?- even if they don't need it? Colleges have high enrollment, and with so many wanting in it's easy to boot the price up a few hundred every year-- everyone takes loans and grants (FAFSA won't allow me the latter) and then how many will actually make it? Most people just seem to go on the mere notion that there's no other choice or that you NEED it to get on... and of course this is reflected, but only because the apparition has been posed by the populace. And I seem to be no big defense for my choice seeing as I myself am lost in it-- I'm 20 years old and almost outside the brink of my former ring of society-- i can't relate to them anymore- all i do is my job and art- the first being forgein to them and depressing to me and the latter usually just cool to look at or hard to understand/present. Of course if i went back to school and did a visual arts program I could sucker myself back in with old friends AND get the 'credibilty' to warrant someone giving me an exhibit and charging 500 for a sketch of some corner of a wall.
At this point I realized i've more so just laid out ranting without much questioning and much less making any final point... which isn't too bad. It was fun to write-- longwinded as it is still blowing... and now i'm showing a slowing and let i'll my words come halting so you may reply a reflection or kind of disection-- maybe even provide words of direction- for, as you may've gathered, i've lost my way and have become a little bitter- not a way i like to be- i like things better- no best in the worst.
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