I've got some Peter Vella White Zinfadel. It's only fifteen bucks for five liters and it's smooth enough as long as you don't guzzle it like an idiot.
But, of course, the esteemed Mr. Crypto gentleman wouldn't touch the stuff with a ten-foot pole.
Hey, boxed wine has never been exposed to light, and the price is right...so there!
I've got some Brooklyn Beer lagers, etc...