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Originally Posted by phoenix
that's true, it's probably one of those idealistic ways in which I should talk about my life.
I've regularly gone through journals/things and thrown out parts that are no longer relevant or I dislike. I think that's healthy? To move on? It isn't about denying that it was a part of me, because I dont have a problem talking about anything that has happened in my life. More like I don't need keep with me something that is so far in the past.
My sense of time and a lot of my memory is kind of fucked up. I'm not sure how much it would be like that if I hadn't ever taken anything to mess with my head. I'm fairly certain if I hadn't taken anything though, I'd be a different kind of wacky, if here at all.
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We're using things as landmarks on which to make our next steps. We're trying to anchor real concrete selves. Even if they are fucked up, they have a form, and we can build from them, because even in our vague cageless minds, we know not to build on sand (and that is the aimless burden).
This is the fear. If I let go, then I'll reel out and come back when I'm decrepit and old and am shitting my pants and shitting on everything and I'll lash hatred on anyone that tries to help me because I'd be so fucked up and brainless. If I have family, they will be far enough away because I would have fucked everything up with them, too. That fact would be enough to compound my already batshit crazy self. I wouldnt be able to boil myself a pot of kraft dinner if I wanted to, not even lay in my Pod and do a paint by numbers.