need to moan about my troubles

fugazifan · 03.23.2008, 12:41 PM

sorry but my best friend is busy so i need to let something off my chest.
last wednesday my band had an out of town gig that was really important for us. the night before our drummer was sick. we told her to rest and to skip work the next day. she went to work but informed us that she will not be coming to the show later that day. i told her that if she can work she can play. we argued and eventually she gave in. later that day she called to say that she does not feel well enough to play, but refused to take any pills to help her.
we argued and i lost my temper and reallly let her have it. she eventually came to the gig, cried the whole way, felt better played a great set cried the whole way back.
i called her today to tell her that no matter who was right and who was wrong in the argument i still had no right to talk to her in that way and offered my depest apologies (i have started to try to deal with my anger problems)
she informed me that as of now she does not want to play with us anymore and wnats to have nothing to do with me.
i asked her if she could explain
she said in a bitchy tone of voice "whats not to understand?"
one could arrive to the conclusion from that conversation that she does not want to be in the band anymore and wants nothing to do with me. i was hearbroken and told her that, she called me dramatic.
this is someone who has been extremely close to me for many years. she was my first real love and i hers. after we broke up i tried my hardest to be strang and maintain a working relationship with her in addition try to stay in eachothers lives, because we were, at least during the time of our relationship, best friends.
i was devastated and skipped my last class to work out and swim so i could blow off some steam.
she tried calling me but i didnt answer. she called a few minutes ago and we taklked.
she said that there is nothing to talk about because we made her play when she doesnt want to, and a band is made up of four indivisuals, and no decisions should be made as a band, rather and indivisuals.
i told her that i disagree, and that i would like for all four band members should meet so we can make some kind of status quo about the level of commitmanship each memeber is obligated to. she says no way, because if we cant agree that if someone has a cold or doesnt feel like playing then the others need to respect that, there is nothing to talk about...
she said someore things about us that where hurtful and i am sitting at home in my filthy apartment heartbroken and devastated.
sorry for the bitching but i needed to write this down...
anyhoo
anybody want to start a band?

Everyneurotic · 03.23.2008, 02:03 PM

band arguments suck, and sometimes there's no other way around to saying things.

my mentality has always been to never miss a gig, never cancel a show; i've only missed a show one, but i had bronchitis big time and was supposed to play a collaboration with a band for 3 fucking minutes. it was freezing cold outside, that's the only time i said "fuck it".

still, you have to understand that not everybody has the same level of commitment as you have. i probably would have reacted the same way as you, of course she had her reasons for not wanting to play but you had your reasons for playing and then there were band reasons to play; what i'm trying to say it's that there's no definitive or easy answer, it's not like a compromise could have been reached because you either would've played the gig or you wouldn't have played it, so someone was bound to get pissed.

she's probably pissed because she thought you, of all people, would understand her not feeling well and skipping the gig, and that's probably alate manifestation of your relationship; because you broke up on civilized terms and kept a really close relationship (in the band) afterwards, then the impact of your breakup probably didn't register with her entirely, she might have even think that perhaps breaking up was good because you guys would still be close having good times without the drama or exclusiveness of a relationship, but now, she probably feels like it's really over, once you didn't side with her decision.

anyway, what i'm trying to say is that there's probably no way getting to feel like you do right now would have been avoided (if you had cancelled the gig and found out she went to work that day, you probably still would argue with her and leave you in the same spot), and that there's probably some unresolved issues with you guys, so you probably should talk about it whenever you guys feel ready, for now it seems it would be better if you take some time off from each other (and the band).

Phlegmscope · 03.23.2008, 02:08 PM

Buy a drum machine.

floatingslowly · 03.23.2008, 02:13 PM

at least you said sorry. most never do.

fugazifan · 03.23.2008, 02:28 PM

thanks EN
i dont think its thew realization of us breaking up cause that was 2 and a half years ago and she dumped me and has had a boyfriend since.
she is about to go to germany for a few months, and we have some schedualed gigs. i am hoping to at least do one as a goodbye kind of thing in case we dont resume playing.
you should come to israel we'll start the most rockingest noise + every genre possible band in the world.

Everyneurotic · 03.23.2008, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fugazifan

thanks EN
i dont think its thew realization of us breaking up cause that was 2 and a half years ago and she dumped me and has had a boyfriend since.

true, but that's why i side it's a late effect, mostly because you have remained close because of the band situation; it's not like you said goodbye two years before and went your separate ways and did your life, it's kinda like a safety net in a way, being in a band is a very special relationship you have with the people involved and it's very hard when you date and then break up with someone in it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fugazifan

she is about to go to germany for a few months, and we have some schedualed gigs. i am hoping to at least do one as a goodbye kind of thing in case we dont resume playing.
you should come to israel we'll start the most rockingest noise + every genre possible band in the world.

good luck with that man.

and that plan for the band sounds awesome to me, if i'm going to start a band, it's probably going to be like the way you described it there!

Inhuman · 03.23.2008, 02:54 PM

Sorry to hear about that dude. Often people are in a temporary state-of-mind and she might understand later on. If she wasn't as committed to the band as you guys, the mutuality is disrupted. All though this is a one sided view, you seem to be in the right. You showed her that you care and she didn't positively acknowledge that. I wish the best for ya, as intense and difficult they are, a lot of the time things like that blow over and resolutions can be made

terminal pharmacy · 03.23.2008, 04:18 PM

well sounds like you were an ass but then again if you are sick you still go on stage, as they say the show must go on. in my industry people are paying 50 or 60 dollars for a ticket and if the lead actor or anyone feels sick it doesn't matter you do the show. and if she only had a cold she should harden the fuck up and play that 45 minute set it really isnt that hard or the end of the world.

fugazifan · 03.23.2008, 04:59 PM

i was definatly an ass. but there is a limit to how bad i can feel and i have tried to make thing right...
oh well
thanks for the responses

phoenix · 03.23.2008, 09:14 PM

I think at the end of the day despite her being an amazing friend, its quite possible she doesnt have a real interest in making a sucess of yr music making venture. IMHO its better you find that out earlier rather than later? Everyone has a right to not want to play if they feel sick. But I think whether you actually DO play or not, really depends on how dedicated you are to the band/wanting to play.

it shouldn't end yr friendship though..

!@#$%! · 03.24.2008, 01:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fugazifan

she was my first real love and i hers. after we broke up i tried my hardest to be strang and maintain a working relationship with her in addition try to stay in eachothers lives, because we were, at least during the time of our relationship, best friends.

maybe the undercurrent of the drama comes from here, not from the sickness

davenotdead · 03.24.2008, 01:54 AM

im pretty sure this is the same chick.... i told you to melt her vagina.

fugazifan · 03.24.2008, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by davenotdead

im pretty sure this is the same chick.... i told you to melt her vagina.

i tried, but as ou can see the plan backfired

mangajunky · 03.24.2008, 10:48 AM

When you have a band with scheduled gigs, all members of the band have the obligation to complete those gigs. From the moment they decide to quit they should be obligated to complete all scheduled gigs up to that point. It's like giving 2-week notice to work. It's all about good karma...but then again - do you really want to play with someone that doesn't "feel like" playing with you guys?

Get temporary replacements and move on. Try to salvage your friendship.

03.23.2008, 12:41 PM	#1
fugazifan invito al cielo Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 2,816	sorry but my best friend is busy so i need to let something off my chest. last wednesday my band had an out of town gig that was really important for us. the night before our drummer was sick. we told her to rest and to skip work the next day. she went to work but informed us that she will not be coming to the show later that day. i told her that if she can work she can play. we argued and eventually she gave in. later that day she called to say that she does not feel well enough to play, but refused to take any pills to help her. we argued and i lost my temper and reallly let her have it. she eventually came to the gig, cried the whole way, felt better played a great set cried the whole way back. i called her today to tell her that no matter who was right and who was wrong in the argument i still had no right to talk to her in that way and offered my depest apologies (i have started to try to deal with my anger problems) she informed me that as of now she does not want to play with us anymore and wnats to have nothing to do with me. i asked her if she could explain she said in a bitchy tone of voice "whats not to understand?" one could arrive to the conclusion from that conversation that she does not want to be in the band anymore and wants nothing to do with me. i was hearbroken and told her that, she called me dramatic. this is someone who has been extremely close to me for many years. she was my first real love and i hers. after we broke up i tried my hardest to be strang and maintain a working relationship with her in addition try to stay in eachothers lives, because we were, at least during the time of our relationship, best friends. i was devastated and skipped my last class to work out and swim so i could blow off some steam. she tried calling me but i didnt answer. she called a few minutes ago and we taklked. she said that there is nothing to talk about because we made her play when she doesnt want to, and a band is made up of four indivisuals, and no decisions should be made as a band, rather and indivisuals. i told her that i disagree, and that i would like for all four band members should meet so we can make some kind of status quo about the level of commitmanship each memeber is obligated to. she says no way, because if we cant agree that if someone has a cold or doesnt feel like playing then the others need to respect that, there is nothing to talk about... she said someore things about us that where hurtful and i am sitting at home in my filthy apartment heartbroken and devastated. sorry for the bitching but i needed to write this down... anyhoo anybody want to start a band? __________________ If there's been a way to build it, There'll be a way to destroy it, Things are not that out of control www.myspace.com/dellilahtheband www.myspace.com/lecirquedesvampiresmusic
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03.23.2008, 02:03 PM	#2
Everyneurotic invito al cielo Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Mexico Posts: 15,713	band arguments suck, and sometimes there's no other way around to saying things. my mentality has always been to never miss a gig, never cancel a show; i've only missed a show one, but i had bronchitis big time and was supposed to play a collaboration with a band for 3 fucking minutes. it was freezing cold outside, that's the only time i said "fuck it". still, you have to understand that not everybody has the same level of commitment as you have. i probably would have reacted the same way as you, of course she had her reasons for not wanting to play but you had your reasons for playing and then there were band reasons to play; what i'm trying to say it's that there's no definitive or easy answer, it's not like a compromise could have been reached because you either would've played the gig or you wouldn't have played it, so someone was bound to get pissed. she's probably pissed because she thought you, of all people, would understand her not feeling well and skipping the gig, and that's probably alate manifestation of your relationship; because you broke up on civilized terms and kept a really close relationship (in the band) afterwards, then the impact of your breakup probably didn't register with her entirely, she might have even think that perhaps breaking up was good because you guys would still be close having good times without the drama or exclusiveness of a relationship, but now, she probably feels like it's really over, once you didn't side with her decision. anyway, what i'm trying to say is that there's probably no way getting to feel like you do right now would have been avoided (if you had cancelled the gig and found out she went to work that day, you probably still would argue with her and leave you in the same spot), and that there's probably some unresolved issues with you guys, so you probably should talk about it whenever you guys feel ready, for now it seems it would be better if you take some time off from each other (and the band). __________________ Richard Clayderman found alive and still bland! Repo Man has all night! Photographic evidence of Monosodic's existance! New Kiddieriot shit after all! Never too late to share fave rex from the year before! David Keenan is a douchebag! Ron Asheton missed!
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03.23.2008, 02:08 PM	#3
Phlegmscope expwy. to yr skull Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Finland Posts: 1,246	Buy a drum machine.
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03.23.2008, 02:13 PM	#4
floatingslowly invito al cielo Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 21,165	at least you said sorry. most never do.
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03.23.2008, 02:28 PM	#5
fugazifan invito al cielo Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 2,816	thanks EN i dont think its thew realization of us breaking up cause that was 2 and a half years ago and she dumped me and has had a boyfriend since. she is about to go to germany for a few months, and we have some schedualed gigs. i am hoping to at least do one as a goodbye kind of thing in case we dont resume playing. you should come to israel we'll start the most rockingest noise + every genre possible band in the world. __________________ If there's been a way to build it, There'll be a way to destroy it, Things are not that out of control www.myspace.com/dellilahtheband www.myspace.com/lecirquedesvampiresmusic
	\|QUOTE AND REPLY\|

03.23.2008, 02:54 PM	#7
Inhuman invito al cielo Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Montreal Posts: 5,807	Sorry to hear about that dude. Often people are in a temporary state-of-mind and she might understand later on. If she wasn't as committed to the band as you guys, the mutuality is disrupted. All though this is a one sided view, you seem to be in the right. You showed her that you care and she didn't positively acknowledge that. I wish the best for ya, as intense and difficult they are, a lot of the time things like that blow over and resolutions can be made __________________ Inhuman no longer dwells on here. http://about.me/robinbastien
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03.23.2008, 04:18 PM	#8
terminal pharmacy invito al cielo Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Australia Posts: 3,358	well sounds like you were an ass but then again if you are sick you still go on stage, as they say the show must go on. in my industry people are paying 50 or 60 dollars for a ticket and if the lead actor or anyone feels sick it doesn't matter you do the show. and if she only had a cold she should harden the fuck up and play that 45 minute set it really isnt that hard or the end of the world.
	\|QUOTE AND REPLY\|

03.23.2008, 04:59 PM	#9
fugazifan invito al cielo Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 2,816	i was definatly an ass. but there is a limit to how bad i can feel and i have tried to make thing right... oh well thanks for the responses __________________ If there's been a way to build it, There'll be a way to destroy it, Things are not that out of control www.myspace.com/dellilahtheband www.myspace.com/lecirquedesvampiresmusic
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03.23.2008, 09:14 PM	#10
phoenix invito al cielo Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: the future where it's hot and dark Posts: 5,926	I think at the end of the day despite her being an amazing friend, its quite possible she doesnt have a real interest in making a sucess of yr music making venture. IMHO its better you find that out earlier rather than later? Everyone has a right to not want to play if they feel sick. But I think whether you actually DO play or not, really depends on how dedicated you are to the band/wanting to play. it shouldn't end yr friendship though.. __________________ tiny and lost.
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03.24.2008, 01:54 AM	#12
davenotdead invito al cielo Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 7,784	im pretty sure this is the same chick.... i told you to melt her vagina. __________________
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03.24.2008, 10:48 AM	#14
mangajunky expwy. to yr skull Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Englewood, NJ Posts: 1,247	When you have a band with scheduled gigs, all members of the band have the obligation to complete those gigs. From the moment they decide to quit they should be obligated to complete all scheduled gigs up to that point. It's like giving 2-week notice to work. It's all about good karma...but then again - do you really want to play with someone that doesn't "feel like" playing with you guys? Get temporary replacements and move on. Try to salvage your friendship. __________________ -Franky Don't let yer meat loaf.
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