[Severian]

Originally Posted by Diesel

Top 10 Radioheads:

1. Kid Aphex Twin
2. Moon Safari
3. Fake plastic trees aka Pavement circa 92'

Ok, the Aphex Twin rub is fair. I'll get back to that.

But "Fake Plastic Trees" bears absolutely no resemblance to Pavement... certainly not Pavement circa '92. Where are you getting this? Even if what you're saying is that The Bends is somehow an attempt to milk U.S. Indie, I don't get it. The Bends is pure "college cool guy does early '90s U2," with a bit of "God I wish we were Pulp" tossed in for flavor. It's a big, bombastic, lush radio rock record. It has some nice moments, but it the diametric opposite to Pavement.

...

Re: Kid Aphex Twin ... Like I said, damn fair. Most people don't realize just how much the sound and shape of Kid A was built a foundation laid by RDJ. Even the people who claim to get it seem to be just picking up the thread of something they heard from Stereogum.

If people really got it, Kid A would not be heralded as the most influential and important album of the 00's. Rather than being seen as something new and fresh, it would be considered a near-tribute album. Like Arcade Fire's Neon Bible was to Bruce Springsteen.

I still love the album, but this is just the way it is.

[SuchFriendsAreDangerous]

Originally Posted by Severian

The term "dad rock" has nothing to do with fathers. It's just an analogy. "Dad rock" bands are like bands who've given up on being Dangerous or independent, and have totally given themselves over to comfort and stability.

... it's a bad rap for dads, really.

But make no mistake, "dad rock" is a real and horrible thing. It makes lives boring and predictable, because it is boring and predictable.

The music has to be boring, inoffensive and predictable in order to be "dad rock." Sonic Youth is not dad rock. Never can be, never will be.

The Pixies, like Pearl Jam, have allowed themselves to become dad rock, but there's no way in goddamn hell Come on Pilgrim, Surfer Rosa or Doolittle could ever be considered boring and predictable and safe.

Remember Red Hot Chili Peppers circa "Scar Tissue"? Dad rock, baby. That's fucking dad. ass. rock.

We all know what we're talking about here. Let's stop fucking around and cut the shitshow.

This isn't pitchfork stop trying to over analyze. Accept it. We listen to what kids today would most certainly call dad rock. You are stuck listing the dad rock from our era and ours dads, well time moves on. OUR music is the dad rock of this era. Accept it. You'll feel better

[LifeDistortion]

I listen to Radiohead and Sonic Youth on my way to my yearly physical, and my cholesterol is goddamn on point, so screw you guys for making me feel bad about listening to Radiohead, or Sonic Youth or any other band that has criminally decided to continue going after two records, and don't have band members who died at 27 from a drug over dose.

[dead_battery]

(A very long silence.)
– But you have friends.
(A long silence.)
You have a lot of friends.
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer?
(Silence.)
a consolidated consciousness resides in a darkened banqueting hall
near the ceiling of a mind whose floor shifts as ten thousand
cockroaches when a shaft of light enters as all thoughts unite in an
instant of accord body no longer expellent as the cockroaches
comprise a truth which no one ever utters
I had a night in which everything was revealed to me.
How can I speak again?
the broken hermaphrodite who trusted hermself alone finds the room
in reality teeming and begs never to wake from the nightmare
and they were all there
every last one of them
and they knew my name
as I scuttled like a beetle along the backs of their chairs
Remember the light and believe the light
An instant of clarity before eternal night
don't let me forget

I am sad
I feel that the future is hopeless and that things cannot improve
I am bored and dissatisfied with everything
I am a complete failure as a person
I am guilty, I am being punished
I would like to kill myself
I used to be able to cry but now I am beyond tears
I have lost interest in other people
I can't make decisions
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't think
I cannot overcome my loneliness, my fear, my disgust
I am fat
I cannot write
I cannot love
My brother is dying, my lover is dying, I am killing them both
I am charging towards my death
I am terrified of medication
I cannot make love
I cannot fuck
I cannot be alone
I cannot be with others
My hips are too big
I dislike my genitals
At 4.48
when depression visits
I shall hang myself
to the sound of my lover's breathing
I do not want to die
I have become so depressed by the fact of my mortality that I have
decided to commit suicide

I do not want to live
I am jealous of my sleeping lover and cover his induced
unconsciousness
When he wakes he will envy my sleepless night of thought and
speech unslurred by medication
I have resigned myself to death this year
Some will call this self-indulgence
(they are lucky not to know its truth)
Some will know the simple fact of pain
This is becoming my normality
100
91
84
81
72
69
58
44
37 38
42
21 28
12
7
It wasn't for long, I wasn't there long. But drinking bitter black coffee I
catch that medicinal smell in a cloud of ancient tobacco and something
touches me in that still place and a wound form two years ago opens
like a cadaver and a long buried shame roars its foul decaying grief.
A room of expressionless faces string blankly at my pain, so
devoid of meaning there must be evil intent.
Dr This and Dr That and Dr Whatsit who's just passing and
thought he'd pop in to take the piss as well. Burning in a hot

tunnel of dismay, my humiliation complete as I shake without
reason and stumble over words and have nothing to say about
my 'illness' which anyway amounts only to knowing that there's
no point in anything because I'm going to die. And I am
deadlocked by that smooth psychiatric voice of reason which
tells me there is an objective reality in which my body and mind
are one. But I am not here and never have been. Dr This writes it
down and Dr That attempts a sympathetic murmur. Watching
me, judging me, smelling the crippling failure oozing from my
skin, my desperation clawing and all-consuming panic
drenching me as I gape in horror at the world and wonder why
everyone is smiling and looking at me with secret knowledge of
my aching shame.
Shame shame shame.
Drown in your fucking shame.
Inscrutable doctors, sensible doctors, way-out doctors, doctors
you'd think were fucking patients if you weren't shown proof
otherwise, ask the same questions, put words in my mouth, offer
chemical cures for congenital anguish and cover each other's
arses until I want to scream for you, the only doctor who ever
touched me voluntarily, who looked me in the eye, who laughed
at my gallows humour spoken in the voice from the newly-dug
grave, who took the piss when I shaved my head, who lied and
said it was nice to see me. Who lied. And said it was nice to see
me. I trusted you, I loved you, and it's not losing you that hurts
me, but your bare-faced fucking falsehoods that masquerade as
medical notes.
Your truth, your lies, not mine.
And while I was believing that you were different and that you
maybe even felt the distress that sometimes flickered across
your face and threatened to erupt, you were covering your arse
too. Like every othoer stupid mortal cunt.
To my mind that's betrayal. And my mind is the subject of these
bewildered fragments.
Nothing can extinguish my anger.
And nothing can restore my faith.
This is not a world in which I wish to live.

–Have you made any plans?
–Take an overdose, slash my wrists then hang myself.
–All those things together?
–It couldn't possibly be misconstrued as a cry for help.
(Silence.)
–It wouldn't work.
–Of course it would.
–It wouldn't work. You'd start to feel sleepy from the overdose
and wouldn't have the energy to cut your wrists.
(Silence.)
–I'd be standing on a chair with a noose around my neck.
(Silence.)
– If you were alone do you think you might harm yourself?
–I'm scared I might.
–Could that be protective?
–Yes. It's fear that keeps me away from the train tracks. I just
hope to God that death is the fucking end. I feel like I'm eighty
years old. I'm tired of life and my mind wants to die.
–That's a metaphor, not reality.
–It's a simile.
–That's not reality.
–It's not a metaphor, it's a simile, but even if it were, the defining
feature of a metaphor is that it's real.
(A long silence.)
–You are not eighty years old.
(Silence.)
Are you?

(A silence.)
Are you?
(A silence.)
Or are you?
(A long silence.)
–Do you despise all unhappy people or is it me specifically?
–I don't despise you. It's not your fault. You're ill.
–I don't think so.
–No?
–No. I'm depressed. Depression is anger. It's what you did, who
was there and who you're blaming.
–And who are you blaming?
–Myself.
Body and soul can never be married
I need to become who I already am and will bellow forever at this
incongruity which has committed me to hell
Insoluble hoping cannot uphold me
I will drown in dysphoria
in the cold black pond of my self
the pit of my immaterial mind
How can I return to form
now my formal thought has gone?
Not a life that I could countenance.
They will love me for that which destroys me
the sword in my dreams
the dust of my thoughts
the sickness that breeds in the folds of my mind

Every compliment takes a piece of my soul
An expressionist nag
Stalling between two fools
They know nothing –
I have always walked free
Last in a long line of literary kleptomaniacs
(a time honoured tradition)
Theft is the holy act
On a twisted path to expression
A glut of exclamation marks spells impending nervous breakdown
Just a word on a page and there is the drama
I write for the dead
the unborn
After 4.48 I shall not speak again
I have reached the end of his dreary and repugnant tale of a sense interned
in an alien carcass and lumpen by the malignant spirit of the moral
majority
I have been dead for a long time
Back to my roots
I sing without hope on the boundary
RSVP ASAP
Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on
I cannot fucking go on without expressing this terrible so fucking awful
physical aching fucking longing I have for you. And I cannot believe
that I can feel this for you and you feel nothing. Do you feel nothing?
(Silence.)

And I go out at six in the morning and start my search for you. If I've
dreamt a message of a street or a pub or a station I go there. And I wait
for you.
(Silence.)
You know, I really feel like I'm being manipulated.
(Silence.)
I've never in my life had a problem giving another person what they
want. But no one's ever been able to do that for me. No one touches me,
no one gets near me. But now you've touched me somewhere so fucking
deep I can't believe and I can't be that for you. Because I can't find you.
(Silence.)
What does she look like?
And how will I know her when I see her?
She'll die, she'll die, she'll only fucking die.
(Silence.)
Do you think it's possible for a person to be born in the wrong body?
(Silence.)
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for rejecting me by never being there,
fuck you for making me feel shit about myself, fuck you for bleeding
the fucking love and life out of me, fuck my father for fucking up my
life for good and fuck my mother for not leaving him, but most of all,
fuck you God for making me love a person who does not exist,
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
–Oh dear, what's happened to your arm?
–I cut it.
–That's a very immature, attention seeking thing to do. Did it give
you relief?
–No.
–Did it relieve the tension?

–No.
–Did it give you relief?
(Silence.)
Did it give you relief?
–No.
–I don't understand why you did that.
–Than ask.
–Did it relieve the tension?
(A long silence.)
Can I look?
–No.
–I'd like to look, to see if it's infected.
–No.
(Silence.)
–I thought you might do this. Lots of people do. It relieves the
tension.
–Have you ever done it?
–...
–No. Far too fucking sane and sensible. I don't know where you
read that, but it does not relieve the tension.
(Silence.)
Why don't you ask me why?
Why did I cut my arm?
–Would you like to tell me?
–Yes.
- Then tell me.

[dead_battery]

–ASK.
ME.
WHY.
(A long silence.)
–Why did you cut your arm?
–Because it feels fucking great. Because it feels fucking amazing.
– Can I look?
–You can look. But don't touch.
–(Looks) And you don't think you're ill?
– No.
–I do. It's not your fault. But you have to take responsibility for
your own actions. Please don't do it again.
I dread the loss of her I've never touched
love keeps me a slave in a cage of tears
I gnaw my tongue with which to her I can never speak
I miss a woman who was never born
I kiss a woman across the years that say we shall never meet
Everything passes
Everything perishes
Everything palls
my thought walks away with a killing smile
leaving discordant anxiety
which roars in my soul
No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope
A song for my loved one, touching her absence
the flux of her heart, the splash of her smile
In ten years time she'll still be dead. When I'm living with it, dealing
with it, when a few days pass when I don't even think of it, she'll still
be dead. When I'm an old lady living ion the street forgetting my

name she'll still be dead, she'll still be dead, she'll still be dead, it's
just
fucking
over
and I must stand alone
My love, my love, why have you forsaken me?
She is the couching place where I never shall lie
and there's no meaning to life in the light of my loss
Built to be lonely
to love the absent
Find me
Free me
from this
corrosive doubt
futile despair
horror in repose
I can fill my space
fill my time
but nothing can fill this void in my heart
The vital need for which I would die
Breakdown
–No ifs or buts.
–I didn't say if or but, I said no.
–Can't must never have-to always won't should shan't.
The unnegotiables
Not today.
(Silence.)

–Please. Don't switch off my mind by attempting to straighten me
out. Listen and understand, and when you feel contempt don't
express it, at least not verbally, at least not to me.
(Silence.)
–I don't feel contempt.
–No?
–No. It's not your fault.
–It's not your fault, that's all I ever hear, it's not your fault, it's an
illness, it's not your fault, I know it's not my fault. You've told
me that so often I'm beginning to think it is my fault.
–It's not your fault.
–I KNOW.
–But you allow it.
(Silence.)
Don't you?
–There's not a drug on earth can make life meaningful.
–You allow this state of desperate absurdity.
(Silence.)
You allow it.
(Silence.)
–I won't be able to think. I won't be able to work.
–Nothing will interfere with your work like suicide.
(Silence.)
–I dreamt I went to the doctor's and she gave me eight minutes to
live. I'd been sitting in the fucking waiting room half an hour.
(A long silence.)
Okay, let's do it, let's do the drugs, let's do the chemical
lobotomy, let's shut down the higher functions of my brain and
perhaps I'll be a bit more fucking capable of living.

Let's do it.
abstraction to the point of
unpleasant
unacceptable
uninspiring
impenetrable
irrelevant
irreverent
irreligious
unrepentant
I don't imagine
(clearly)
that a single soul
could
would
should
or will
and if they did
I don't think
(clearly)
that another soul
a soul like mine
could
would
should
or will

irrespective
I know what I'm doing
all too well
No native speaker

irrational
irreducible
irredeemable
unrecognisable
derailed
deranged
deform
free form
obscure to the point of
True Right Correct
Anyone or anybody
Each every all
drowning in a sea of logic
this monstrous state of palsy
still ill
Symptoms: Not eating, not sleeping, not speaking, no sex drive, in
despair, wants to die.
Diagnosis: Pathological grief.
Sertraline, 50mg. Insomnia worsened, severe anxiety, anorexia, (weight
loss 17kgs,) increase in suicidal thoughts, plans and intention.
Discontinued following hospitalisation.
Zolpiclone, 7.5mg. Slept. Discontinued following rash. Patient
attempted to leave hospital against medical advice. Restrained by three
male nurses twice her size. Patient threatening and uncooperative.
Paranoid thoughts – believes hospital staff are attempting to poison her.
Melleril, 50mg. Co-operative.
Lofepramine, 70mg, increased to 140mg, then 210mg. Weight gain
12kgs. Short term memory loss. No other reaction.

Argument with junior doctor whom she accused of treachery after
which she shaved her head and cut her arms with a razor blade.
Patient discharged into the care of the community on arrival of acutely
psychotic patient in emergency clinic in greater need of a hospital bed.
Citalopram, 20mg. Morning tremors. No other reaction.
Lofepramine and Citalopram discontinued after patient got pissed of
with side affect and lack of obvious improvement. Discontinuation
symptoms: Dizziness and confusion. Patient kept falling over, fainting
and walking out in front of cars. Delusional ideas – believes consultant
is the antichrist.
Fluoxetine hydrochloride, trade name Prozac, 20mg, increased to 40mg.
Insomnia, erratic appetite, (weight loss 14kgs,) severe anxiety, unable
to reach orgasm, homicidal thoughts towards several doctors and drug
manufacturers. Discontinued.
Mood: Fucking angry
Affect: Very angry.
Thorazine, 100mg. Slept. Calmer.
Venlafaxine, 75mg, increased to 150mg, then 225mg. Dizziness, low
blood pressure, headaches. No other reaction. Discontinued.
Patient declined Seroxat. Hypochondria – cites spasmodic blinking and
severe memory loss as evidence of tardive dyskinesia and tardive
dementia.
Refused all further treatment.
100 aspirin and one bottle of Bulgarian Cabernet Sauvignon, 1986.
Patient woke up in a pool of vomit and said 'Sleep with a dog and rise
full of fleas.' Severe stomach pain. No other reaction.
Hatch opens
Stark light
the television talks
full of eyes
the spirits of sight
and now I am so afraid

I'm seeing things
I'm hearing things
I don't know who I am
tongue out
thought stalled
the piecemeal crumple of my mind
Where do I start?
Where do I stop?
How do I start?
(As I mean to go on)
How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop? A tab of pain
How do I stop? Stabbing my lungs
How do I stop? A tab of death
How do I stop? Squeezing my heart
I'll die
not yet
but it's here
Please...
Money...
Wife...
Every act is a symbol
the weight of which crushes me
A dotted line on the throat
CUT HERE
DON'T LET THIS KILL ME
THIS WILL KILL ME AND CRUSH ME AND
SEND ME TO HELL
I beg you to save me from this madness that eats me
a sub-intentional death

I thought I should never speak again
but now I know there is something blacker than desire
perhaps it will save me
perhaps it will kill me
a dismal whistle that is the cry of heartbreak around the hellish
bowl at the ceiling of my mind
a blanket of roaches
cease this war
My legs are empty
Nothing to say
And there is the rhythm of madness
–I gassed the Jews, I killed the Kurds, I bombed the Arabs, I
fucked small children while they begged for mercy, the killing
fields are mine, everyone left the party because of me, I'll suck
your fucking eyes out sent them to your mother in a box and
when I die I'm going to be reincarnated as your child only fifty
times worse and as mad as all fuck I'm going to make your life a
living fucking hell I REFUSE I REFUSE I REFUSE LOOK
AWAY FROM ME
–It's all right.
–LOOK AWAY FROM ME
–It's all right. I'm here.
–Look away from me
Why am I stricken?
I saw visions of God
and it shall come to pass

Grid yourselves:
for ye shall be broken in pieces
it shall come to pass
Behold the light of despair
the glare of anguish
and ye shall be driven to darkness
If there is blasting
(there shall be blasting)
the names of offenders shall be shouted form the rooftops
Fear God
and his wicked convocation
a scall on my skin, a seethe in my heart
a blanket of roaches on which we dance
this infernal state of siege
All this shall come to pass
all the words of my noisome breath
Remember the light and believe the light
Christ is dead
and the monks are in ecstasy
We are the abjects
who depose our leaders
and burn incense unto Baal
Come now, let us reason together
Sanity is found in the mountain of the Lord's house on the
horizon of the soul that eternally recedes
The head is sick, the heart's caul torn
Thread the ground on which wisdom walks
Embrace beautiful lies –
the chronic insanity of the sane
the wrenching begins
–At 4.48
when sanity visits
for one hour and twelve minutes I am in my right mind.
When it has passed I shall be gone again,

[dead_battery]

a fragmented puppet, a grotesque fool.
Now I am here I can see myself
but when I am charmed by vile delusions of happiness,
the foul magic of this engine of sorcery,
I cannot touch my essential self.
Why do you believe me then and now?
Remember the light and believe the light.
Nothing matters more.
Stop judging by appearances and make a right judgement.
–It's all right. You will get better.
–Your disbelief cures nothing.
Look away from me.
Hatch opens
Stark light
A table two chairs and no windows
Here I am
and there is my body
dancing on glass
In accident time where there are no accidents
You have no choice
the choice comes after
Cut out my tongue
tear out my hair
cut off my limbs
but leave me my love
I would rather have lost my legs

pulled out my teeth
gouged out my eyes
than lost my love
flash flicker slash burn wring press dab slash
flash flicker punch burn float flicker dab flicker
punch flicker flash burn dab press wring press
punch flicker float burn flash flicker burn
it will never pass
dab flicker punch slash wring slash punch slash
float flicker flash punch wring press flash press
dab flicker wring burn flicker dab flash dab float
burn press burn flicker burn flash
Nothing's forever
(but Nothing)
slash wring punch burn flicker dab float dab
flicker burn punch burn flash dab press dab
wring flicker float slash burn slash punch slash
press slash float slash flicker burn dab
Victim. Perpetrator. Bystander.
punch burn float flicker flash flicker burn slash
wring press dab slash flash flicker dab flicker
punch flicker flash burn dab press flicker wring
press punch flash flicker burn flicker flash
the morning brings defeat
wring slash punch slash float flicker flash punch
wring dab flicker punch slash press flash press
dab flicker wring burn flicker dab flash dab float
burn press burn flash flicker slash

beautiful pain
that says I exist
flicker punch slash dab wring press burn slash
press slash punch flicker flash press burn slash
dab flicker float flash flicker dab press burn slash
press slash punch flash flicker burn
and a saner life tomorrow
100
93
86
79
72
65
58
51
44
37
30
23
16
9
2
Sanity is found at the centre of convulsion, where madness is scorched
form the bisected soul.
I know myself.
I see myself.
My life is caught in a web of reason
spun by a doctor to argument the sane.
At 4.48
I shall sleep

I came to you hoping to be healed.
You are my doctor, my saviour, my omnipotent judge, my priest, my
god, the surgeon of my soul.
And I am your proselyte to sanity.
to achieve goals and ambitions
to overcome obstacles and attain a high standard
to increase self-regard by the successful exercise of talent
to overcome opposition
to have control and influence over others
to defend myself
to defend my psychological space
to vindicate the ego
to receive attention
to be seen and heard
to excite, amaze, fascinate, shock, intrigue, amuse, entertain,
or entice others
to be free from social restrictions
to resist coercion and constriction
to be independent and act according to desire
to defy convention
to avoid pain
to avoid shame
to obliterate past humiliation by resumed action
to maintain self-respect

to repress fear
to overcome weakness
to belong
to be accepted
to draw close and enjoyably reciprocate with another
to converse in a friendly manner, to tell stories, exchange
sentiments, ideas, secrets
to communicate, to converse
to laugh and make jokes
to win affection of desired Other
to adhere and remain loyal to Other
to enjoy sensuous experiences with cathected Other
to feed, help, protect, comfort, console, support, nurse or
heal
to be fed, helped, protected, comforted, consoled,
supported, nursed or healed
to form mutually enjoyable, enduring, cooperating and
reciprocating relationship with Other, with an equal
to be forgiven
to be loved
to be free
–You've seen the worst of me.
–Yes.
–I know nothing of you.

–No.
–But I like you.
–I like you
(Silence.)
–You're my last hope.
(A long silence.)
–You don't need a friend you need a doctor.
(A long silence.)
–You are so wrong.
(A very long silence.)
–But you have friends.
(A long silence.)
You have a lot of friends.
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer?
(Silence.)
We have a professional relationship. I think we have a good
relationship. But it's professional.
(Silence.)
I feel your pain but I cannot hold your life in my hands.
(Silence.)
You'll be all right. You're strong. I know you'll be okay because I
like you and you can't like someone who doesn't like themself.
The people I fear for are the ones I don't like because they hate

themselves so much they won't let anyone else like them either.
But I do like you. I'll miss you. And I know you'll be ok.
(Silence.)
Most of my clients want to kill me. When I walk out of here at the
end of the day I need to go home to my lover and relax. I need to
be with my friends and relax. I need my friends to be really
together.
(Silence.)
I fucking hate this job and I need my friends to be sane.
(Silence.)
I'm sorry.
–It's not my fault.
–I'm sorry, that was a mistake.
–It's not my fault.
–No. It's not your fault. I'm sorry.
(Silence.)
I was trying to explain –
–I know. I'm angry because I understand, not because I don't.
Fattened up
Shored up
Shoved up
my body decompensates
my body flies apart
no way to reach out
beyond the reaching out I've already done
you will always have a piece of me
because you held my life in your hands
those brutal hands

this will end me
I thought it was silent
till it went silent
how have you inspired this pain?
I've never understood
what it is I'm not supposed to feel
like a bird on the wing in a swollen sky
my mind is torn by lightning
as it flies form the thunder behind
Hatch opens
Stark light
and Nothing
Nothing
see Nothing
What am I like?
the child of negation
out of one torture chamber into another
a vile succession of errors without remission
every step of the way I've fallen
Despair propels me to suicide
Anguish for which doctors can find no cure
Nor care to understand
I hope you never understand
Because I like you
I like you
I like you
still black water
as deep as forever
as cold as the sky
as still as my heart when your voice is gone
I shall freeze in hell
of course I love you
you saved my life
I wish you hadn't
I wish you hadn't
I wish you'd left me alone

a black and white film of yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes
or no
I've always loved you
even when I hated you
What am I like?
just like my father
oh no oh no oh no
Hatch opens
Stark light
the rupture begins
I don't know where to look anymore
Tired of crowd searching
Telepathy
and hope
Watch the stars
predict the past
and change the world with a silver eclipse
the only thing that's permanent is destruction
we're all going to disappear
trying to leave a mark more permanent that myself
I've not killed myself before so don't look for precedents
What came before was just the beginning
a cyclical fear
that's not the moon it's the earth
A revolution
Dear God, dear God, what shall I do?

All I know
is snow
and black despair
Nowhere left to turn
an ineffectual mortal spasm
the only alternative to murder
Please don't cut me up to find out how I died
I'll tell you how I died
One hundred Lofepramine, forty five Zopiclone, twenty five
Temazepam, and twenty Melleril
Everything I had
Swallowed
Slit
Hung
It is done
behold the Eunuch
of castrated thought
skull
unwound
the capture
the rapture
the rupture
of a soul
a solo symphony
warm darkness
which soaks my eyes
I know no sin

this is the sickness of becoming great
the vital need for which I would die
to be loved
I'm dying for one who doesn't care
I'm dying for one who doesn't know
you're breaking me
Speak
Speak
Speak
ten yard ring of failure
look away from me
My final stand
No one speaks
Validate me
Witness me
See me
Love me
my final submission
my final defeat
the chicken's still dancing
the chicken won't stop
I think that you think of me
the way I'd have you think of me

the final period
the final full stop
look after your mum now
look after your mum

Black snow falls
in death you hold me
never free
I have no desire for death
no suicide ever had
watch me vanish
watch me
vanish
watch me
watch me
watch

It is myself I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind
please open the curtains

[pepper_green]

Originally Posted by Severian

See now I feel like you're laying it on a little thick. But still, I have a strong urge to witness words coming out of your mouth. Call it a scientific interest. I have three theories about you, and I'd like to research them.

1. You're a totally normal guy who deliberately fucks with people.
2. You're a night drunk with a high IQ that's stunted by alcohol (which is how you present yourself)
3. You're a high functioning schizophrenic.

Part of me wants to know. Another part of me just wants to be along for the ride.

I love how it deteriorates in order but, since I like to do the eeny mini miny moe multiple choice option, i'll go with the non-existing choice 4. (none of the above). enjoy the ride but, I warn you im a double nickel guy.

hey, this whole board is one big social experiment for me too. interesting stuff and outcomes. most posters dislike me here. I guarantee if you check back a year from now you'll laugh your ass off. or at least giggle or a small charming smile at the post. im almost certain of that. or i'll get the "OMG this pepper_green loser is so not funny". either way, I could give a shits.

[pepper_green]

Originally Posted by dead_battery

Why did you cut your arm?

it's called Apotemnophilia.

[pepper_green]

Originally Posted by dead_battery

a fragmented puppet, a grotesque fool.
Now I am here I can see myself
but when I am charmed by vile delusions of happiness,
the foul magic of this engine of sorcery,
I cannot touch my essential self.
Why do you believe me then and now?
Remember the light and believe the light.
Nothing matters more.
Stop judging by appearances and make a right judgement.
–It's all right. You will get better.
–Your disbelief cures nothing.
Look away from me.
Hatch opens
Stark light
A table two chairs and no windows
Here I am
and there is my body
dancing on glass
In accident time where there are no accidents
You have no choice
the choice comes after
Cut out my tongue
tear out my hair
cut off my limbs
but leave me my love
I would rather have lost my legs

pulled out my teeth
gouged out my eyes
than lost my love
flash flicker slash burn wring press dab slash
flash flicker punch burn float flicker dab flicker
punch flicker flash burn dab press wring press
punch flicker float burn flash flicker burn
it will never pass
dab flicker punch slash wring slash punch slash
float flicker flash punch wring press flash press
dab flicker wring burn flicker dab flash dab float
burn press burn flicker burn flash
Nothing's forever
(but Nothing)
slash wring punch burn flicker dab float dab
flicker burn punch burn flash dab press dab
wring flicker float slash burn slash punch slash
press slash float slash flicker burn dab
Victim. Perpetrator. Bystander.
punch burn float flicker flash flicker burn slash
wring press dab slash flash flicker dab flicker
punch flicker flash burn dab press flicker wring
press punch flash flicker burn flicker flash
the morning brings defeat
wring slash punch slash float flicker flash punch
wring dab flicker punch slash press flash press
dab flicker wring burn flicker dab flash dab float
burn press burn flash flicker slash

beautiful pain
that says I exist
flicker punch slash dab wring press burn slash
press slash punch flicker flash press burn slash
dab flicker float flash flicker dab press burn slash
press slash punch flash flicker burn
and a saner life tomorrow
100
93
86
79
72
65
58
51
44
37
30
23
16
9
2
Sanity is found at the centre of convulsion, where madness is scorched
form the bisected soul.
I know myself.
I see myself.
My life is caught in a web of reason
spun by a doctor to argument the sane.
At 4.48
I shall sleep

I came to you hoping to be healed.
You are my doctor, my saviour, my omnipotent judge, my priest, my
god, the surgeon of my soul.
And I am your proselyte to sanity.
to achieve goals and ambitions
to overcome obstacles and attain a high standard
to increase self-regard by the successful exercise of talent
to overcome opposition
to have control and influence over others
to defend myself
to defend my psychological space
to vindicate the ego
to receive attention
to be seen and heard
to excite, amaze, fascinate, shock, intrigue, amuse, entertain,
or entice others
to be free from social restrictions
to resist coercion and constriction
to be independent and act according to desire
to defy convention
to avoid pain
to avoid shame
to obliterate past humiliation by resumed action
to maintain self-respect

to repress fear
to overcome weakness
to belong
to be accepted
to draw close and enjoyably reciprocate with another
to converse in a friendly manner, to tell stories, exchange
sentiments, ideas, secrets
to communicate, to converse
to laugh and make jokes
to win affection of desired Other
to adhere and remain loyal to Other
to enjoy sensuous experiences with cathected Other
to feed, help, protect, comfort, console, support, nurse or
heal
to be fed, helped, protected, comforted, consoled,
supported, nursed or healed
to form mutually enjoyable, enduring, cooperating and
reciprocating relationship with Other, with an equal
to be forgiven
to be loved
to be free
–You've seen the worst of me.
–Yes.
–I know nothing of you.

–No.
–But I like you.
–I like you
(Silence.)
–You're my last hope.
(A long silence.)
–You don't need a friend you need a doctor.
(A long silence.)
–You are so wrong.
(A very long silence.)
–But you have friends.
(A long silence.)
You have a lot of friends.
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer?
(Silence.)
We have a professional relationship. I think we have a good
relationship. But it's professional.
(Silence.)
I feel your pain but I cannot hold your life in my hands.
(Silence.)
You'll be all right. You're strong. I know you'll be okay because I
like you and you can't like someone who doesn't like themself.
The people I fear for are the ones I don't like because they hate

themselves so much they won't let anyone else like them either.
But I do like you. I'll miss you. And I know you'll be ok.
(Silence.)
Most of my clients want to kill me. When I walk out of here at the
end of the day I need to go home to my lover and relax. I need to
be with my friends and relax. I need my friends to be really
together.
(Silence.)
I fucking hate this job and I need my friends to be sane.
(Silence.)
I'm sorry.
–It's not my fault.
–I'm sorry, that was a mistake.
–It's not my fault.
–No. It's not your fault. I'm sorry.
(Silence.)
I was trying to explain –
–I know. I'm angry because I understand, not because I don't.
Fattened up
Shored up
Shoved up
my body decompensates
my body flies apart
no way to reach out
beyond the reaching out I've already done
you will always have a piece of me
because you held my life in your hands
those brutal hands

this will end me
I thought it was silent
till it went silent
how have you inspired this pain?
I've never understood
what it is I'm not supposed to feel
like a bird on the wing in a swollen sky
my mind is torn by lightning
as it flies form the thunder behind
Hatch opens
Stark light
and Nothing
Nothing
see Nothing
What am I like?
the child of negation
out of one torture chamber into another
a vile succession of errors without remission
every step of the way I've fallen
Despair propels me to suicide
Anguish for which doctors can find no cure
Nor care to understand
I hope you never understand
Because I like you
I like you
I like you
still black water
as deep as forever
as cold as the sky
as still as my heart when your voice is gone
I shall freeze in hell
of course I love you
you saved my life
I wish you hadn't
I wish you hadn't
I wish you'd left me alone

a black and white film of yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes
or no
I've always loved you
even when I hated you
What am I like?
just like my father
oh no oh no oh no
Hatch opens
Stark light
the rupture begins
I don't know where to look anymore
Tired of crowd searching
Telepathy
and hope
Watch the stars
predict the past
and change the world with a silver eclipse
the only thing that's permanent is destruction
we're all going to disappear
trying to leave a mark more permanent that myself
I've not killed myself before so don't look for precedents
What came before was just the beginning
a cyclical fear
that's not the moon it's the earth
A revolution
Dear God, dear God, what shall I do?

All I know
is snow
and black despair
Nowhere left to turn
an ineffectual mortal spasm
the only alternative to murder
Please don't cut me up to find out how I died
I'll tell you how I died
One hundred Lofepramine, forty five Zopiclone, twenty five
Temazepam, and twenty Melleril
Everything I had
Swallowed
Slit
Hung
It is done
behold the Eunuch
of castrated thought
skull
unwound
the capture
the rapture
the rupture
of a soul
a solo symphony
warm darkness
which soaks my eyes
I know no sin

this is the sickness of becoming great
the vital need for which I would die
to be loved
I'm dying for one who doesn't care
I'm dying for one who doesn't know
you're breaking me
Speak
Speak
Speak
ten yard ring of failure
look away from me
My final stand
No one speaks
Validate me
Witness me
See me
Love me
my final submission
my final defeat
the chicken's still dancing
the chicken won't stop
I think that you think of me
the way I'd have you think of me

the final period
the final full stop
look after your mum now
look after your mum

Black snow falls
in death you hold me
never free
I have no desire for death
no suicide ever had
watch me vanish
watch me
vanish
watch me
watch me
watch

It is myself I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind
please open the curtains

be honest. you still rock Nirvana? admit it you dad rock loving you. you can't get hyped off of literature alone. if so, that's a boring life. you and @##^$$. you contribute nothing but negative future diatribe manifestos. kinda sucks to be you. you know, you should lighten up and take a dip in the unenlightenment pool. sorta a contradiction.... u party pooper.

[Severian]

Originally Posted by pepper_green

I love how it deteriorates in order but, since I like to do the eeny mini miny moe multiple choice option, i'll go with the non-existing choice 4. (none of the above). enjoy the ride but, I warn you im a double nickel guy.

hey, this whole board is one big social experiment for me too. interesting stuff and outcomes. most posters dislike me here. I guarantee if you check back a year from now you'll laugh your ass off. or at least giggle or a small charming smile at the post. im almost certain of that. or i'll get the "OMG this pepper_green loser is so not funny". either way, I could give a shits.

I like you, and I almost always laugh out loud at your posts.

[Severian]

Originally Posted by SuchFriendsAreDangerous

This isn't pitchfork stop trying to over analyze. Accept it. We listen to what kids today would most certainly call dad rock. You are stuck listing the dad rock from our era and ours dads, well time moves on. OUR music is the dad rock of this era. Accept it. You'll feel better

Ok, I admit it. You're right.

But Sonic Youth isn't dad rock.

Also, I'm not sure I really do listen to things that kids would call dad rock. I almost never listen to rock of any kind. So forgive my nitpicking, but if it ain't rock, it ain't dad rock.

And sure, a lot of the "rock" I DO listen to (like... Unwound... Sebadoh... ??) is old enough to be dad rock. But that doesn't mean it is. I doubt most "kids today" know a goddamn thing about the music that's defined my life. They might call it dad rock, but that's because young people are fucking morons.

[SuchFriendsAreDangerous]

Originally Posted by Severian

Ok, I admit it. You're right.

But Sonic Youth isn't dad rock.

Also, I'm not sure I really do listen to things that kids would call dad rock. I almost never listen to rock of any kind. So forgive my nitpicking, but if it ain't rock, it ain't dad rock.

And sure, a lot of the "rock" I DO listen to (like... Unwound... Sebadoh... ??) is old enough to be dad rock. But that doesn't mean it is. I doubt most "kids today" know a goddamn thing about the music that's defined my life. They might call it dad rock, but that's because young people are fucking morons.

But that is precisely what makes it all variously dad rock, that the kids don't know. I mean hey ehen we were kids many of us liked hendrix or sabbath, no shame in dad rock yo

[Genteel Death]

Originally Posted by Severian

Ok, I admit it. You're right.

But Sonic Youth isn't dad rock.

Also, I'm not sure I really do listen to things that kids would call dad rock. I almost never listen to rock of any kind. So forgive my nitpicking, but if it ain't rock, it ain't dad rock.

And sure, a lot of the "rock" I DO listen to (like... Unwound... Sebadoh... ??) is old enough to be dad rock. But that doesn't mean it is. I doubt most "kids today" know a goddamn thing about the music that's defined my life. They might call it dad rock, but that's because young people are fucking morons.

Look nobody cares what you think. Chillax.

[Severian]

Originally Posted by Genteel Death

Look nobody cares what you think. Chillax.

Quiet, creepshow.

[Genteel Death]

You're the cutting edge of music journalism and internet insults. You really are, my darling.

[Genteel Death]

 

[Severian]

yeah, well, that's the most over-used meme in the history of memes. Feel good about yourself for being so witty and sardonic.

Are you gonna do a "that moment when" thing next...?

Couple of wild and crazy boundary-pushers, you and me.

[Genteel Death]

That meme is not funny. IT'S REALZ.

[Severian]

Here's the thing with you... you never fully commit. You're an asshole like 90% of the time, but then you drop something innocuous like ^that^ and the air goes out of you like a deflated balloon.

I read that pussy bullshit and it feels like you're trying to retract your stinger.

Either go all in and be a total dick with no soul whatsoever, or stop wasting my time with half measures.

[Genteel Death]

C'mon baby, don't be like that!