[davenotdead]

speak for yrself,
i don't need a break.

[atsonicpark]

Originally Posted by pbradley

At the very least, I would expect his girlfriend to have let us know.

Hahah.

Therein lies the problem.

I won't have a girlfriend!... For much longer.... maybe.

I hate to be whiney and mopey over a girl. We're still together but she said it probably won't be for much longer. She doesn't have a problem with me or anything, either. Ack, I don't want to post too much since she reads this board occasionally but eh what the hell. She's moving away, supposedly, soon, like a thousand miles away. There's some dude she met down there that she's "getting to know". Now, don't get me wrong, I trust her okay, she's not going down there to be with that guy ... but she certainly isn't ruling out the chance of eventually dating him ... and, it's so weird, we don't technically have any problems between us. Hell, she even admits "I'll probably never find someone as good as you." But she wants to be single (and, I guess, date other people maybe...)... do this independant-woman thing... put our relationship into perspective... be on her own for a bit... now, she has no real way to accomplish the things she wants to do (no money, no real support besides me, etc.). I'm glad she wants to go out and do things. The reason I "can't" go with her is because she wants me to follow my own dreams, she doesn't want me to "follow" her. She needs a long vacation for herself, to find out who she is. All that is well and good, but turning her back on someone she's been with for over 6 years -- when we have no real problems? The only "problem" we have is we were supposed to get a place together next month but she's scared to commit and so she's doing this... thing... she's doing now... to get comfortable with committing to me, eventually?! That's how she explained it. Now, my girlfriend is no whore, I know she's not going to go and fuck a bunch of guys. I also know she doesn't selfishly expect me to wait for her to find out whatever she needs to find out.

Still, the whole thing seems a bit.... pointless. If I may be so bold as to characterize what she wants to do in her life as "pointless". Maybe pointless is a bad word -- UNNECCESSARY (which I don't know how to spell) is more like it. We love each other more than anyone else... why are we going through this bullshit? I give her space -- if she doesn't want to talk for days, I don't call her or see her. I don't control any aspect of her life. Stupidly, I don't even yell at her when she is pissed off at me.. I've never even raised my voice to her. In 6 years. Maybe I should've?

All this stems from issues in her personal life, dating back to when she was a child. Various... well, you can assume, I won't tell what she's been through, but I definitely understand why she is the way she is and why she's doing what she's doing. I am pretty confident that if she does this then she's going to end up coming back to me anyway. So, really, it's not anything I'm worried about -- it's just that, things are going to get a whole lot more needlessly complex and ridiculous, just because she's too afraid to go out and enjoy her life right now, here in the place she currently lives in. See, most of her family is up here -- the rest is in Florida. She wants to be with her Florida family. She feels like she belongs down there. We go down there and visit occasionally. Admittingly, her Florida family is cooler, and there are a few people she talks to on Facebook/Myspace (mostly girls, but, yeah, some dorky boys too). Whereas here.. she has no friends whatsoever. I mean, she does, but she doesn't visit them. She really just... doesn't do anything except sit and stare at the television and space out. If I wasn't for me, she wouldn't get out and do ANYTHING -- and I have a tough time convincing her to do things, anyway. She feels like she "belongs" down there. I keep telling her to not run from her problems, to appreciate what she has here -- like, why the hell would you leave ME, someone who would and has done everything for you? She'll even admit that there's no problems between us. THe only thing she's said is that she feels like our relationship has dulled a bit (which is understandable -- we've been together 6 years and were best friends for 4 years before that!) and has been kinda routine for the past year. I wouldn't disagree -- my aunt died, and I've been dealing with lots and lots and lots of shit since then, and I certainly haven't been as fun and adventurous as usual, until recently. And then, just as I was getting better, this bombshell was placed upon me.

SO, I dunno what the fuck is up. I don't know why we're even dealing with this. And if she does date other people........... well.... I dunno. I dunno if I want that ... uh ... thought ... I guess. Does that make sense? I don't think she's going to go fuck a bunch of dudes or something, I don't think she's going to go move in with somebody, and I don't think she's moving down there just to date guys or get away from me. Besides, I feel sorry for any potential boyfriends of hers because they have a lot to live up to (not bragging or anything.. just saying... how many guys do you know would wait 17 hours in line to get their girlfriend a Wii?? How many guys do you know would watch/live in their girlfriend's parent's house for 10 days, for free? How many guys do you know would spend 6 months filling a 200 page notebook of 1000 reasons why they love their girlfriend? And so on and so on and so on and you get it...). I mean, jesus, if I can't make her happy, no one can.

So, that's where I'm at and what I don't get. I've explained to her all these logical, common-sense-like solutions to her problems, because whereas she doesn't know anybody, I know EVERYBODY. I'm popular, I've hung out with tons of people, and ... quite frankly... I know how the world works. She doesn't. I can't fault her or blame her and again I understand why she's feeling the way she does, but I've tried to explain that she doesn't need to leave this place, yet, and especially not leave me... to be happy. This other dude she's talking to is not very interesting or likeable and really has nothing to offer that I don't give her tenfold -- she's just excited that someone else is paying attention to her, because no one else ever has. At first I will admit that I was jealous but then I looked at the guy and realized that there's absolutely nothing exceptional about him. And he's already acting like he loves my girlfriend, even though he barely knows her, and telling his friends all this shit, stuff that doesn't make my girlfriend comfortable at all, but she's too nice to say anything to him because she thikns if she says something to him that he won't pay attention to her anymore, so her philisophy is "let him think what he wants to think" when it should be "man, this guy is kinda fucking creepy......"

continued...

[atsonicpark]

So, where does that leave me? I certainly don't want her to leave me. I don't want her to leave, PERIOD. I'm willing to go exceptional lengths to make her happy... willing to wait for a bit, see what she decides... but yeah. I mean, fuck. She's my girl. You know? I have had so many sleepless nights now. No food except for some spaghetti which I vomitted. Called in to work.. got sick at work and went home.. barely drinking anything either except a few sips of water. I'm on antidepressants now. They just make me feel weird. They make me... not so angry. But I don't technically feel "better", just maybe... "Deader". I guess they accomplish something as I certainly feel somewhat more tolerant than I should.

She's not really "putting me through" anything. I feel weird, because the few people I've told about this think she's just being a fucking moron. Completely unbiased people who wouldn't take my side, if I was wrong. But, yeah, even members of her own family think she's being really really dumb. Not just the moving-away thing, but leaving me... I mean, look, I'm the only person who really understands her. I "get" her. I mean, we talk in code, almost. It's like.. we're so connected.. I dunno. If you've been in love with someone for a long time, you know what I mean.

She's being exceptionally angry and mean lately, in life, in general. One minute, I can talk to the person I fell in love with -- but the next minute, she'll be angry and annoyed over nothing. The next minute, she'll feel sick. This has been going on for a week. Guilt eating her up? I dunno. She has A.D.D, I'm pretty sure of that, and she is confirmed to have a severe hormoanal imbalance... I worry for her. She is a very angry person. You wouldn't think so. She doesn't show it in conventional ways... but she has a very dark, distant, cold side to her that has been coming out more lately (not just directed towards me, mind you, but obviously as the person she feels most comfortable with, i'm also the person she lashes out at the most).

I think, in general, she's being a bit delusional and silly. She went to Florida a few weeks ago and won some costume contest and is getting flown to New York for free because of it. I think that's what started this whole thing. It's not, like, a huge or prestigious prize. I mean, she's good at what she does, I'm proud of her, but come on... I really think she feels like she's "important" now, something she's never felt before. Like she's so far above and beyond this shitty, small town. She hasn't said that but that's the vibe I get. She's quickly trying to shut out everybody and turn her back on everyone. I mean, she lives at home, her mom doesn't want her to go anywhere... her parents own her car, I highly doubt they'll let her take it down there... she has went to school for 5 years, with no degree, and she spent the last semester going to art school because she changed her major from chemistry to art and she's going to just say fuck school and move away... also, she's in debt. Also, her job won't transfer her. Also, it's not like the economy is booming. Also, she plans on going down there and moving out with her cousin, who definitely has no plans of moving..........

So, I don't know where her head is at. She changes her mind about everything all the time. I am confident that the creepy, weird dude who she is "getting to know" will give up texting her and being weird if she stays here much longer. I don't really mind her becoming friends with the guy but he's kinda stepping on my toes and being disrespectful to me. Oh, well, what he doesn't know is that I'm still.. uh... banging her. Well, I haven't in a week. But I plan on it before she goes.

...if she does go, I mean. Supposedly she's going next month. She has to register for school by July 31st.. so, I guess if she doesn't register, I'll know she's definitely leaving... with no money... I just don't get her. Meanwhile, I have $17,000 in the bank... god, it'd be so great.. just me and her to get our own place....... yeah.

She's putting me through hell. Seriously. I care so much for her. She admitted she's being mean to me to make it easier for her to move away. Um, okay. She wants me to leave her alone because she doesn't want me stopping her from going. Which I wouldn't stop her, on purpose -- she always blames others for her problems! It's insane. Why would someone be mean to someone else who has never done ANYTHING wrong to them? And we've hung out a few times and most of the time it's been amazing, as good as ever, but there have been one or two times that were terrible. But then she'll kiss me and it'll be weird, maybe.. and then she'll kiss me again and it'll be mindblowing. This is a poorly-worded paragraph, but basically.. things are just...... like... I dunno. It's like I'm dealing with 10 people, all in the body of the person I lovE.

I guess the big question is.. can I forgive her if she does this? If she leaves me for no real reason? She says she wants me to always be in her life -- is this just some shitty copout, so she can walk all over me and act like a moron and know that she can still come back to me when she needs me? I can't say no, sadly. I told her I'd hate her and delete her from my life forever if she leaves me but... yeah. Obviously, I can't. I love her. This is so fucking stupid and pointless and is just making me more and more depressed.

No, I'm not going to KILL myself. I appreciate everyone's concerns, by the way. I'm on antidepressants now. I'm working on a really depressing "solo" album. I did have the idea of blowing my brains out at the end of the recording. It would be the most legendary recording ever. Isn't that brilliant? But, anyway, I'm going to call it "decomposition of self", most likely. Is that a good name? My other idea was "how paralysis feels".


......So, I'm trying to keep my mind occupied on other things. She'd be too proud to admit failure, but if she goes now, she'll fail. At the same time, if she continues acting like this, I won't want to put up with that either. I'd probably feel okay if she moved away, because at least I wouldn't have to see her or call her every day... at least she wouldn't be acting to me. If that makes sense. But I'd still talk to her online and still write her letters and shit. So it'd still be the same bullshit. I'm still going to be in love with her, no matter what.

So yeah I'm depressed and I have this feeling now like.. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to make me happy... I mean, I've seen every movie, heard every album, played every game, read every book.. that's not technically true but it's how I feel. And besides, if I have no one to share it with, what's the point? Again, I'm not bragging, but I'm a very popular dude. Not socially awkward at all. Everyone likes me. The problem is, I hate just about everyone. No one's good enough for me. Haha. That sentence looks bad, but there's no other way to word it: I find faults and problems with just about everyone and it's difficult for me to be "FRIENDS" with someone. I look at most people as an acquaintance. She's pretty much the only person who lives up to my impossibly high standards. And... heh.. she's even worse than me on this shit.. despite craving attention, she finds faults with everyone too.

Really, we're too perfect for each other. Even if we have time "apart", I know we'll still end up together. How could we not, after this fucking long? She's saying now "oh, I won't miss you that much" ... I mean, what? Why is she being so mean and ridiculous?! It's fucked up. But I love her.

[atsonicpark]

Also, I really hope she doesn't come on here and read all this shit. She is a member of this board, though she hasn't posted in a while... But yeah don't be too mean to her if she does make a rare appearance.

There's been some drama and immaturity. I'm not going to lie. I've been very disrespected through this whole ordeal so I did something stupid and I got into her myspace and deleted this dude she's talking to, as a joke. I added him right back, though. It made me go "Heheh" and I admitted it to her right away. It didn't "mean" anything, I just wanted to do something shitty... but it wasn't even that shitty. I'm incapable of being mean! Especially now, on antidepressants..........

hmph.

[atsonicpark]

Also, it really means a lot to me.. really, genuinely means a lot.. that people on this virtual board would be so kind and show their concern. My PM box has been FILLED with messages AAAlately. I recently emptied it and ... wow, yeah, I guess I got 34 messages in the past week, mostly about my absence or about the stuff I've posted... I'm not trying to worry anyone, I'll be okay, but I appreciate the concerns.

Sway, you are so right-on, man. Thanks for recognizing that: I don't take out my problems on other people. Just myself. I'm my own worst enemy...

I'm sure things will work out okay. I mean, if two people love each other and have no real problems (and we've barely even had any arguments... ever! no kidding!).. I mean, jesus, we have had literally the best relationship ever.. I feel in my heart that it's all going to make sense, in the end, and work out okay. It's still hard, though. I mean, I can't just sit around and wait for her but at the same time sh'es kinda turned me off of relationships... Who would even compare to her? Why even bother? I'm probably going to have to start getting reacquainted with the porn world soon. Fuck.

[atsonicpark]

Thanks man, yeah... see, I dunno, she's always been brutally honest with me and she thinks our relationship is great. She just isn't ready to "commit", as she puts it. She doesn't want to move in, get married, all that junk -- yet. I think she just wants to experience other things first. I understand that. At the same time, I wish she hadn't waited until now to do this stuff. I mean, she moves at her own pace, whatever... but it just feels like I've just invested so much time, emotion, and uh.. money.. into our relationship. For nothing. Or is it nothing? I dunno. I'm sure it won't be nothing. It'll be something, forever. But maybe not the something I want it to be, for a while.

Me and her just connect in every single way two people can connect. She likes noise, violent films, weird Japanese shit, uh... bizarre sex... and she's an amazing musician.. she's so talented. I mean, she's really just.... let me put it like this: Even at her worst, she's still the best. To me. I really don't think another guy would offer her what she wants.. most of all, I don't think they'd appreciate what they have with her. She's truly unique. She's not flawless, obviously, but damn.

I'm going to tell her that I'm not going to sit around and wait for her to make up her mind about shit... but in all honesty, that's exactly what I'm going to be doing. Maybe not sitting and waiting around persé... but I definitely have no plans to actively try to find a girl who could replace her or something.

I might have to accept the fact that she's changing -- for the worse. If she ends up being a shitty person, that's okay... it'd be easier then. But if she stays cool, I wanna be with her!

Eh. Things will work out. It's really only been uh.. I guess, 9 days now... since we had this discussion about things... there's still this huge air of uncertainty to things... I think, ultimately, that she has nothing but problems and worries with whatever path she goes around and I don't really have anything to lose here. Because, again, I'm not trying to sound cocky, but she's not going to meet a dude better than me... or at least, not a dude that would love her as much AND understand her AND put up with her shit AND etc........

I think things will work out for the best. I may have written this above, but she said that dating other people would allow her to put our relationship into perspective more and to appreciate me more. She was with other guys before me but she didn't really do anything with any of them beyond just hang out at school or whatever. So, yeah.

[atsonicpark]

...oh, and totally, the "doing-anything-for-a-girl" thing... I'm guilty of that and it's hard, because I know that she knows that she can walk all over me, be shitty to me, and be unloving and do whatever bullshit.. and I'd still take her back... within reason. If she did something TERRIBLE (and, honestly, I didn't reveal all the stuff she's done lately -- there are a few things that approach terrible), I dunno if I'd want to be with her. But right now, even through all this madness and chaos and drama, I still keep thinking about how I'll take her back in a heartbeat... even though she hasn't left me yet.

And she may not leave. We'll see. I mean, again, it's only been a little over a week. She has no real concept of how to accomplish the things that she wants to do and she changes her mind ALL THE TIME. This dude does message her cell phone a lot. I was paranoid and jealous at first, like I said, so she showed me the messages and admittingly they weren't anything bad, just kinda creepy and excessive. Also, I read his livejournal and he called her the girl of his dreams. A GIRL HE BARELY KNOWS. She thinks that's sweet but it also makes her uncomfortable. She can't separate good attention from negative attention. She hung out with some shitty, trashy, scummy drug dealer who just wanted to fuck her once. And she's totally opposite of that. But she just is so desparate for attention that she'll hang out with any idiot. (Luckily, I'm not an idiot! Or.. well.. that's questionable, considering all the shit I'm putting up with)

...I can't stop her from doing that, though... she'll find out everything for herself.

sway, you are so damn right about everything.
just wanted to say that

[phoenix]

sounds like she's just restless. A lot sounds familiar (about wanting to get away ) but for me its a little opposite as at the moment i'm with someone who really doesn't like to get out and do things at all.. And that gets me down a lot at times.

I'm sure if you guys are really that good with each other it'll work out, if not moving on would come eventually. Either way i'm not sure it's worth getting fucked up over. You know. You've a 100 % chance of being angry and depressed if you decide that's the way things are or will be. A lot less if you decide that the future is open to anything. Imho.

I want that story too

[Shifty Prophet]

Atsonicpark: you said that if you can't make her happy noone can right?

Well, judging from yr post, you are a good man to her, treat her right, and the do-anything part also.

The problem is that she can't make herself happy. If someone is incapable of respecting and loving themselves and being happy with their lives, yes, it is going to project to their close relationships.

So, you are right, noone else can make her happy, unless they convince her to take a long look at herself and do some self-evalutation.

Not to be a presumptious ass, but it seems like your girl hasn't really done much on her own, for herself. This moving business will likely end up with her back with you, just stand your ground and don't let this woman(or anyone) manipulate and walk all over you.

[atsonicpark]

Nefeli, I think you're pretty right on... thanks.

I see her flaws, but I think she'll overcome them. I'm not going to stop her from doing what she wants to do. It's still difficult...

She always has told me that she's not good enough for me.. that I'm too good to her. Guess I should've been a bastard more often!

...

Also, Shifty, you're right about things. She's never done anything on her own. Her parents have pretty much done everything for her. She'd never even crossed the street before she met me. She was scared to cross the street because of the cars -- at 19 years old.

You guys are all so smart about life and shit. Haha.

[_slavo_]

Hang in there buddy.

I am not the best talking bout this, and I got my own problems rolling in another thread, haha
but here is a piece of music that maybe will help a lil bit. Ive searched for it like forever, here is the upload, I like to call it lifesaver music:
http://www.mediafire.com/?idtmdjymzzd

I completely agree to the last part.
Ive been through to an almost similar thing. just the reasons for her were different. after a short while after the breakup she fell in love with me again, but all the things she did never could be erased, all the things she said, too.
believe all the ones who wrote that you will start to feel better. noone knows when but it will. my relationship I am talking about was a 6 year lasting one and we fitted together like shit and flies.
I never thought I will come over this, but I did, and believe me I learned a lot of things through this I dont wanna miss know. cheesy as it sounds: it kinda makes you stronger, thats for sure

[hat and bread]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PV7bxC0UVMM

[ZEROpumpkins]

Good luck with everything, Adam.

Let's face it, sometimes it's hard to swallow that we might not be the right person for someone, even though we feel like we are, and are going out with them. We could stay here chatting about it forever, but if it doesn't work it doesn't work. You will be ok eventually. Or at least I assume you will be.

[atsonicpark]

Either way, my name is now an acronym:

Anti-Depressants, Awesome Medicine!

[nicfit]

Can Overcome Overly Lackluster Events, Yesss!